November 11th, 2010

 *I decided to bypass my scheduled posting and put this out there a day early*

I've been thinking about what the last four posts on "Female Asperger Syndrome Traits" mean to me, and what I'm going to say about them as a whole in this blog entry. The answers aren't easy ones to flesh out, but I hope you'll stick with my ramblings while I weave through them.

I found Aspergers 36 years after it found me. So while the last year has been very freeing for me in so many ways, and while I'm incredibly grateful for that, I still struggle with bitterness on occasion. There's a desire to reach back through the years and throttle the people responsible for my early development. A mother who ignored me and gave up, a school system that ignored me and gave up, a father who did the same and many other adults I was told wouldn't abandon me. Those are very painful things to face. While the diagnosis wasn't available when I was a child, I now have children and do everything in my power to shape and mold them and assure they are equipped for adult life. I was failed on so many levels by so many people it's ridiculous.

It's not in my nature to be a negative person--the people who have known me will tell you that I'm actually a really great cheerleader. But when you've gone through three and a half decades of finger-pointing, name-calling, blame; when you've not been taken seriously when you tell those who are supposed to be able to help you that there's something wrong; when you've finally given up because you must be nuts and dysfunctional and it's all in your head (which is the greatest irony), well, a person can fold into a little ball and hide in a corner and never want to come out again. That was me, and it still is me in some ways, no matter what the rest of the world thinks they see in my smile.

Finding out I had Aspergers wasn't a Get Out of Jail Free card. It's going to take a lot of work to heal the wounds and peel off the the trunk labels glued all over me. If I had to give you a mental picture of what my emotional state looks like, it would be just that~

A nine year-old child zapped of all it's energy, full of big stickers that say "Bitch, Mean, Snob, Anti-social, Trouble, Argumentative,  Stubborn, Cry-baby, Loser," and 100 more. A child who looks like it got hit one too many times with a bat and ducks every time someone raises an arm. A child that finally crawled into a sewer grate to save itself as a last ditch effort and lives alone in the cold and muck and stench, and thinks that's perfectly fine and safe.

Does that sound like the type of thing a person would choose to feel about themselves? I sure hope not, and my heart now goes out to any person who readily believes that type of negativity about themselves. I have a very hard time believing that sort of severity in judgment applies to anyone anymore (Hitlers and Dahmers of the world aside). If I'm anything at all, I'm a fighter, and I will find a way to get those labels off and crawl back out in the sun. It's not a question of "Can I do it?" but "When will I get there?" 

Do I think the bats are all gone, or that no one will ever raise one over their head intending to strike? Not for one damn minute. The world isn't going to be any kinder just because there's a better sticker laying on a table, another term to slap on my forehead when I resurface--I'm not that naive. Now, I realize that in itself may sound defeatist but it's not meant to be at all. It's a mental preparation akin to shin guards for my frontal lobe and a helmet for my squishy cortex. I doubt that the rest of my life is going to be shiny and happy and easy "all of a sudden" just because there's finally an answer. I have 36 years of cracks in my psyche to Spackle up, and while many people would say "Look ahead, let that stuff go, it doesn't matter now," I am incapable of compliance with those types of statements. 

Another visual if you will~ Let's say a line of dump trucks drops tons of LEGOs in a field and tells a farmer to build three silos. So the farmer sets to building his three grain silos out of LEGOs. Well, 36 years later, the men with the dump trucks come back, shake their heads, and say, "Sorry sir, we meant missile silos. Didn't know you were a farmer."

That may seem totally defeating as well, but it isn't. No one in their right mind is going to spend another 36 years trying to build something they have zero experience with. They're going to go out and get blueprints and find some people who know what the heck they're doing. It's also likely they'll realize that these things are a lot easier and a lot quicker if you don't build them alone.

My peace will come from research, analyzing the data I have, and applying new methods. Honestly, I've been very reluctant to dive in and do the reading I want to do on the subject or get involved in the communities that can help me to start rebuilding, but that in itself is also a process. I know that once I commit it will mean exposing all those soft places I've learned to heavily guard. I'll have to deconstruct many of the world views I've taken on to use as buffers between me and the "real world" (whatever that's supposed to mean). I won't be able to blame "them" anymore. And those are all very safe things for me. My inability to function in, and interact with, the world around me will fall onto my shoulders because I already know it's not a "stupid place filled with idiotic people." That's just the 8-track I allowed to play in my head until it became my truth. If I take the time to think about it instead of throwing a dirty blanket over all of humanity, I've met more nice people than I've met nasty ones.

Some of the best/worst conversations I've had involve that enormous concept called potential. Yes, I do know what I'm capable of on an intellectual level, but to be honest with you, who cares? If a person isn't functioning well enough socially/emotionally/mentally to be able to apply that to anything, what does it matter? For every person who ever said, "you'd be rich and do great things if you would just apply yourself," I have news for you...that isn't always true. I have applied myself and failed miserably. But my future isn't ruled by the patterns I lived in those first three and a half decades. I can do anything I set my mind to--once I discover a way in which I can do what needs to be done to accomplish the task--and I will find the tools I need to accomplish those things I want for myself. My future requires me to find a way to deal with the aspects of Aspergers that aren't so shiny, that aren't quite so easy as the next guy saying, "Hey, I'm going to college to be an engineer," and then, you know, just doing it. I'm not over thinking things because by nature I'm an over-thinker and that won't change, nor do I ever want it to. That ability to break things apart and roll them around and analyze each piece of information makes me a great puzzle solver and also a person who can see every side of a thing/situation/issue/etc.

Basically, finding Aspergers has given me the one vital thing my life was missing when you talk about something like unfulfilled potential: Hope. 

Before I knew, those labels were there and I let them be. Before I knew, I was living in a sewer. Now? The best parts of me have permission to come out of hiding and shine. It's definitely going to take some time to reorganize how I interact with the world around me, but there's hope now and the knowledge it can be done. I realize Aspies are like snowflakes and no two people who have this particular syndrome are the same. This blog entry isn't meant to be a treatise on the experience by any means; I can only speak for me and my experience. But I also know my journey is not hard to understand because this diagnosis wasn't something that happened for people back in the 70's. I'm certainly not the only one sitting back and thinking, "Finally! A formula!"

I said to a friend recently, "We only get one trip on this spinning mudball--and to spend one second of it afraid or hiding is a disservice to the human experience and to that light that still fights to live in the darkest parts of us," because that's the mantra I've taken on. It would be an egregious disservice to myself and the gift of life I was given to hide away from the world and never try. There is definitely a light that still shines in the darkest aspects of my years of neglect and abuse and subsequent failures, and I want that faint spark to grow into a blinding light. There are so many amazing talents I was given that are typical to someone with Aspergers. My inability to communicate properly with the world around me translates into something beautiful on the page (I could never have spoken this to someone). The way I see the world around me makes for wonderfully unique abstract art. I am very intelligent and I've done some amazing things with it in my lifetime. There may be weakness, but there is also incredible strength and tenacity and a burning desire to discover and absorb faster than I can read or click a link or watch a program.

To wrap things up~ The four pages on Female Asperger Syndrome Traits I talked about are not a definition of my life, but a mode of living I've used up until this point. I had to understand my nature before I was able to clearly see the things that do work for me and the things that have worked against me. Traits that may have been obvious for another person to recognize in themselves had to be worked out and approached in a way I could see them in conjunction with each other and for what they are. If those pages are anything, they're a map. I plan to draw a new map for myself, on my terms, using the best tools I can find--because somewhere in all those rocky paths and seemingly insurmountable hills, is a Wonderland waiting to be discovered.

November 11th, 2010

*Female Asperger Syndrome Traits*

Social/Relationships

~Words and actions are sometimes misunderstood by other people. *Yes*

I've run into this a lot over the years. The only way I can explain why my actions and reactions appear inconsistent is this~ Whenever I look at a situation, there are building blocks there which create a whole. Two situations can appear to be entirely similar to someone else, but probably won't look that way to me. It would be like changing one word in a long paragraph, and to most people it's going to be insignificant, but the word stands out to someone like me and changes the scope of all the words. That, in turn, also changes the way I react to things and explains why I can ignore one situation and get totally riled up about the other. Just as likely, when I try to deconstruct an idea and explain it, I'll pass along the wrong building block of information or a thought out of order because I'm so busy trying to release them in a particular order. I'm thinking while I'm talking, I'm thinking while you're talking, and it takes time sort through all the info and put it in it's proper place.

~Perceived to be cold-natured or self-centered; unfriendly. *Yes*

I've had pals of mine reprimand me for the way I've treated their other friends I didn't know. I'm nowhere near openly trustful of anyone I meet and typically analyze them rather than interact with them. For people I've gotten to know, I'm a regular love-monkey and obscenely loyal, even to the exclusion of right and wrong. My friends are incredibly hard won and I'm willing to go ten rounds in a ring on their behalf. I rarely have more than one real-life pal I regularly do things with, but I have probably twenty people I know very well online because this type of interaction fits my limits for exposure to sensory input. I'm more thankful for the internet than most things.

~Is very outspoken sometimes. May get fired up while talking about passions/obsessive interests. *Yes*

I'm also very thankful for my writer friends who can talk for an hour just about commas. That's a lifesaver. But I don't want anyone to think finding an outlet makes other aspects of this particular problem easier. The last thing my grandmother said to me before she died was, "You talk to loud." Yeah, that one sucked. I'm not sure people realize the sting of wanting to be like everyone else but constantly screwing it up.

~Can be very shy or mute. *Sort of*

I don't think I'm shy at all. In fact, I have no problem being center stage and have done my fair share of getting the party started. This ties in to my chameleon nature very well. I'm not sure I can define why this happens from one situation to the next, but there are times I'm very comfortable and outgoing and times I'm incredibly reserved and uncomfortable and can't think of a single thing to say. It's not that in one case I'm with friends, and in the other I'm with strangers. There is absolutely zero consistency there. For whatever reason, half the time I'm in any situation my brain shuts down entirely, and in the other half you can't shut me up. Who knows?

~Will shut down in social situations, especially when overloaded, but is generally better socializing in small doses. *Yes, Yes, and YES*

I finally did some reading on introversion this year and it was a life-saver. I put up with years of people begging me to go out and giving me the old, "aw, you're no fun," garbage. You know what? I'm tons of fun, but on my own terms. I do very well with a few people I know on my back porch having a few beers. That, to me, is the ultimate Friday evening. When I was in my twenties and went to clubs with friends, I hated it. It was just as likely I'd be hiding in the bathroom when someone went to look for me, as it would be to find me outside having a smoke. I will go out to places like that on occasion, but it's probably once a year if that. I'm not even all that interested in going to restaurants and am perfectly happy using the drive-through. I used to joke that my idea of a perfect date was a six pack from the gas station and some Taco Bell. (It wasn't really a joke)

~Doesn't go out much (See above). Will prefer to go out with partner only or children if she has them. *Yes*

I hardly leave my house. I do go to the library on occasion and to the grocery store once a week, but that's it as far as self interest goes. The real fight is getting out with my kids. It's not that I don't want to do things with my children--it's about doing things "out there". My children need to toss a football in the yard and go to the park and I know it. It's a rough internal battle, but when I'm up to it I do it anyway, because the world doesn't revolve around me and my quirks.

~Will not have many girlfriends and will not do 'girly' things like shopping with them or have get-togethers to hang out. *Pretty much*

I'll have a couple people over to my house a few times a year but absolutely loathe the idea of going to a cook-out or a candle party at someone else's place if there's going to be a crowd. I never go to the mall with other women--I go there alone, get what I want, see some stuff, and go home. I will add that I haven't stepped into a mall in two years.

~Will have a close friend or friends in school, but not once adulthood is reached. *Yes*

The two girls I hung out with during grade school are G*d only knows where. I've moved around the country a lot, because for years, I never understood the misery was entirely inside me and not due to outside factors. Out of sight is out of mind to me, and I typically had one or two sturdy friends in any given town I've lived but I'm not in contact with any of them now.

~May or may not want to have a relationship. *Yes*

This by itself is a ridiculous facet. I think everyone on the planet may or may not want to have a relationship. Notably, for me, is the fact I've never had a successful one so I did stop trying altogether. I have no inclination to date because as nice as the beginnings are, I know how endings go. This is not to say I never get lonely, because I definitely do, I just know the payoff (for me) isn't worth the cost. I'm still forever hopeful that I'll pull myself into check and find a deeper understanding of the way I function so the possibility of having someone can be realized in the future. I fully admit to my share of the breakdown in any given relationship and I think it's because I'm able to look at the data from the outside rather than point my finger.


~If she likes a male, can be extremely, noticeably awkward in her attempts to let him know. May stare when she sees him or call repeatedly because she fixates. She doesn't understand societal gender roles. This will change with maturity. *Yes*

I still have this tendency on occasion, but as said, it has changed with maturity. I'm as close as you can get to "acting normal" in those situations. I actually went overboard to the point I usually feign disinterest for weeks or months because I've analyzed what makes 'em stay and what makes 'em go. *sigh*  It's a real pity when your reactions to other people are calculated rather than genuine. When your reactions don't meld with the rest of society, you do have to moderate them if you want to be included.

~Often prefers the company of animals to humans. *Yes*

This is true without a doubt! I'm a total cat lover and can go for weeks without talking to people if left to my own devices. My friends get mad sometimes because I never call them--and it's true, I don't, they call me.

*This wraps up my four days of symptom talks. I'll post what it all means to me tomorrow*

November 10th, 2010

*Female Asperger Syndrome Traits*

Emotional/Physical

~Emotionally immature and emotionally sensitive. *Yes*

This is a hard one to write about. I've driven myself in circles for years trying to rationalize and justify my reactions to things and people because I never knew my reactions were normal for me. There were tremendous levels of guilt and self-loathing over my nature, and I have to say, hating yourself is no way to live. When I'm high stress (usually from too much social exposure) I tend to react irrationally when I get upset, even about minor things. I got fired from a job years ago for screaming "F*CK YOU!" at one of my bosses. Would I take that back? Sure. It's not exactly professional behavior. But in that moment, I was a champagne bottle someone shook up in a paint can machine at a hardware store. I'm just as likely to pop off a couple times a day, albeit in small doses. I'm raising kids, and while I love them to pieces and I'm a lot of fun, they do push the edges in on me. It's not uncommon for constructive criticism to make me give up on a thing for a time (sometimes a long time), before I understand the comments for what they are.

~Anxiety and fear are predominant emotions. *Yes*

Anxiety and fear are something I've learned to live with and most people don't even know it's there, but it churns just under my skin like a black ocean before a storm. I've had moments of fear that were nearly crippling. I can point to one a year ago off the top of my head that was literally nuts. I remember lying in bed one night and being overwhelmed by the feeling something bad was going to happen. Not just bad, but terrible and messy and murdery. I knew the doors were locked and that day had been no different than any other day. But I had to wrap the blankets completely around myself, head and all, and walk myself through a mental list of reasons to calm down while telling myself it wasn't real, that all I had to do was breathe and fall asleep and it would go away.

~Strong sensory issues; sounds, sights, smells, touch, and prone to overload. *YES*

No one noticed this when I was a kid, and I have NO clue how or why they never did, but my ears are totally screwed up. It's not so much a volume issue as it is a phonics issue. When we corrected multiple choice tests in class I had to look up every time the teacher called out A,B,C, or D, because the last three sound exactly the same to me when spoken. I do have tinitus and the squeal drowns out a lot of minor sound. I finally tried hearing-aids when I was 25 and had to fight the urge to claw them out of my ears. I'd never experienced forks tinking on plates, glass clinking against another glass, paper rustling, etc.. It was way too much and I definitely hit overload in two weeks (That's how long the doc said it would take me to get used to them so I gave them 14 days). I threw a couple thousand dollars worth of ear gear in a donation bin and have never thought about getting another pair. I'm a kick-butt lip reader and that's enough. Moving on, I definitely have eagle eyes to the extreme, and I notice 1000 things about each glance. I can't sit with my back to the door in a restaurant because I have to know what's going on around me. Flickering lights, especially a bad fluorescent tube, are impossible for me to ignore and even more impossible for me to concentrate around. As far as touch goes, yes, I hate to be touched by most people. I've been okay dating, and I certainly hug my kids, but I remember when my mom finally hugged me in my early twenties. I went stiff as a board...lol. Yes, a light touch makes my skin crawl just like a limp handshake does. Tastes of foods don't give me a problem anymore, so much as texture still does. Wet bread (even from things like gravy)? *That's the worst one!* I don't have any issues related to smell.

~Moody and prone to bouts of depression. May have been diagnosed as bi-polar or manic depressive. *Oh My G*D YES*

If I let loose, I could rant on this for 200 paragraphs. I always knew I wasn't functioning right, even from a very early age. I finally hit a wall at about 18 when I was in control of seeking my own help. My list of diagnoses started with ADD and a bottle of Ritalin that only made me hostile when I took it, so I had to stop. I went through the whole shebang over the years and all the accompanying pills. ODD, OCD, Anxiety, Depression, Bi-Polar (twice). The funny part is, I bought it hook line and sinker because I AM all those things, but not in the sense that they exist independently. That's why the pills never did a single thing to ease my troubles. The symptoms I have relate directly to my brain function and not a chemical/emotional imbalance. If I took a pill for each of those things, I'd spend the rest of my life drooling on myself. I'm very thankful that I found out the WHY of me. I've never been at such peace with who I am as a human being just trying to get through my life--the same as every other person on the planet. No, I didn't need pills, I needed functional tools, that's all. It's different for every person, but this is my course in life and I'm thankful I'm able to reason it out.

~Probably given several different prescriptions to treat symptoms (See Above). Will be very sensitive to medications and anything else she puts in her body so may have adverse reactions. *Yes*

I could rattle off a list telling you just how horrible my experience with prescription meds has been, but I'll spare you for the most part. Some of them turned me manic, some of them crippled me with paranoia, some of them acted like amnesiacs--just a hot mess of unhappiness there. I have found that something like Prozac will pull me out of a bad funk if I get too dysfunctional, but I only need to take it for a month or two and then stop. Those deep depressions are widely cyclical and usually only happen in summer (when my darling, amazing, beautiful children are home 24/7 and I get no time to recharge). I probably take something like Klonopin two or three times a year when my brain really needs a rest day. I'm pretty anti-pills in general. Other than that, my drug regimen consists of NyQuil for colds, ibuprofen for pain, and a fair share of TUMS.

~9 out of 10 have mild to severe gastro-intestinal problems. *Yes*

Like I said, TUMS. Lots and lots of TUMS.

~Stims to soothe when sad or agitated: rocking, face-rubbing, humming, finger-flicking, leg bouncing, finger or foot tapping. *Yes*

Lots of people tap or bob their hands/feet.This is the kind of thing you look at in conjunction with other things on the varying lists of symptoms. As well as being a foot-bobber, I'm a rocker. I do it when I lay in bed at night, when I'm home alone and sitting on the sofa, even in the waiting room of the doctor's office if I'm the only one there. I don't do it when I'm angry because the only thing that makes me angry is PEOPLE and I'm highly adapted, so drawing attention to myself is a no-no. I do it when nothing else is happening, when there's little to no input coming from outside sources (radio, TV, etc.) and I'm alone thinking. It also helps me fall asleep because my mind races for a long time when I crawl in bed.

~Similarly physical when happy: hand-flapping, clapping, singing, dancing, jumping, running around, bouncing. *No*

Highly adapted girl over here! Again, I won't do anything to draw awkward attention to myself. I can't remember how I reacted as a kid, so I have zero input on this one.

~Prone to temper or crying meltdowns, even in public, sometimes over seemingly small things due to sensory or emotional overload. *Yes*

I'm a terrible patient. I'm smart and have read (It seems like) billions of words I remember over the course of my lifetime. My life's mission is to "know stuff". When I go into a doctor's office or a shrink's office, I know why I'm there and what I need. If I don't, I ask questions, listen, that's fine and dandy. But talking to me like I'm three and have no clue what I need (when I do) drives me to shakes and tears I get so angry. It's not only arrogant to blow off a patient and their instincts, but it's idiotic. Listening skills, people! Other times, other places...I have gotten mad enough at my kids on occasion that I start to hyper-ventilate, but I just go in my room and let it pass. My ex-husband caught that one last year and thought I'd gone bonkers. The only time I cry is when I'm angry. Barring the day my dad died and I sobbed like a baby, I don't remember ever crying because I was sad as an adult.

~Hates injustice and hates to be misunderstood. *Yes*

Where do I even begin? *Sigh* The primary thorn in my life other than introversion, is communication. I am often misunderstood. I'm not sure how it happens because it all sounds right in my head before it comes out, but apparently I live in a world where emotions and opinions entirely trump logic. I'm pretty sure my foot lives in my mouth--and it's not like I ever go into a conversation with the intent to be rude. The key here is~ The people who like me? They like me just the way I am, and the ones who can't handle it go away. I refuse to spend the rest of my life apologizing for who I am. On the side of justice, nothing makes me more angry than an adult bully or a person with bad manners. Seeing someone pick on a weaker person brings out the WWF in me. Likewise, seeing someone light up a cigarette while people are eating, or something equally as rude, gets my hackles a'risin'. It is what it is. When it comes to online interactions, a serious amount of time and energy go into formulating responses to avoid saying rude things, and that's something no one would have any idea about because I don't often present myself as autistic. It can be very tiring.

~Prone to mutism when stressed or upset, esp. after a meltdown. *Yes*

All you folks who know me? Raise your hand if I've ever hung up on you, not spoken to you for two weeks, or abruptly got up and left a conversation? Glad to see the gang is all here...

*More on this tomorrow*

November 9th, 2010

*Female Asperger Syndrome Traits*

 Intellectual/Giftedness/Education/Vocation

~May have been diagnosed as autistic or aspergers when young, or thought of as gifted, shy, sensitive, etc. May also have had obvious or severe learning deficits. *Yes*

School has always been a sensitive subject for me because I was never diagnosed as anything when I was a child, and I suffered a lot for it, especially from grade 1 to grade 6. I did wind up in special education classes (full day) but I was not learning disabled. In hindsight, the reason for putting me there is that I was disruptive to other kids and my teachers. I never did homework, I never did classwork. Every fraction of movement or sliver of sound caught the corner of my eyes or ears. If it was a windy day and there were no blinds, I couldn't keep my eyes off the trees outside and the movement of the leaves. Some things are funny, thinking of them now--I got straight F's on my report cards but they always passed me because I aced the end of the year tests. The only noticeable problem I had learning was in English. For the life of me I could never diagram a sentence. I still can't--and I live for words. As far as sensitivity goes, yes, I'm incredibly sensitive, but I've learned to adapt to a world that was very hard for me to navigate and few people see that side of me.

~Often Musical, artistic. *yes*

I will say I love music, though I never gave much time to learning an instrument. It's not that I can't, because I played a few in grade school and I learn quickly, but I don't have the notion to do it everyday. I do have, and have always had, areas of special interest, but I don't think that's so unusual in itself. I know many perfectly normal people who love the arts! The part that might stand out is this--I've never been terribly creative on my own with visual arts unless the subject is abstract. When it comes to drawing people (my personal fave) I can't create a face from my mind, even if there's a person sitting right in front of me. It's more likely the picture would come out a cross between a potato and a stick person. What I can do is copy drawings with a precision that's almost unholy. If there is a drawing I can look at, I can reproduce it almost perfectly, piece of cake.

~May have a savant skill or special talents. *Yes*

My memory is as close as you can get to photographic without actually being so. I remember outfits people wore when I met them twenty years ago; The phone number we had when I was in Kindergarten; Things people have said to me over the years, word for word (not always a good thing). Beyond that, I'm mechanically inclined, and that's an understatement. I've had some very interesting and important jobs over the years. I think my greatest achievement (as a young high school drop-out) was solving a packaging problem in a week that 8 engineers had been working on for six months. There's a lot I could have done with my life, but I never knew why I couldn't stick with it, why I got overwhelmed in job settings, why I would get so anxious as the months ticked by, why I eventually quit. The most important thing about learning I had Aspergers last year has to be the freedom it gave me. No more guilt, no more shame--I will eventually learn the tools I need to get me through those moments so I don't repeat them.

~May have a strong interest in computers, games, graphic design, inventing, things of a technological and visual nature. More verbal thinkers may gravitate toward writing, languages, cultural studies, and psychology. *Yes*

Yes to computers, hecks NO to games, yes to design, inventing, technology, visuals. Languages have always fascinated me, along with other cultures (specifically Eastern religions, although I'm Agnostic), as well as philosophy and psychology. In college, I tried to learn Russian. I have audio processing problems and even with an FM receiver I struggled like crazy with inflection and eventually stopped trying. Writing is my new mental home. It's been a lot of hard work to learn the rules of grammar and punctuation, since English was one of my weaknesses, but I think it's why I'm so obsessed with it. I've always gravitated towards the things that do not come easy to me in an attempt to understand them--hence my deep interests in psychology and human interactions (I've always been an avid people watcher).

~May have been a self taught reader, been hyperlexic as a child, and will posses a wide variety of other self taught skills as well. *Yes*

I knew how to read for the most part going into Kindergarten and I have Sesame Street to thank for it. I loved the Siamese monster who split the word apart and would say them again and again until the word came together. I understood those words and was able to "read" them immediately as I learned them. Thanks to that and my Kinder experience, I was reading on college level by fifth grade (the same year I was put in special ed. with kids who threw chairs).

~May be highly educated but will have struggled with the social aspects of college. May have one or more partial degrees. *Yes*

This is probably the biggest factor for me in not finding out about my Aspie nature before I was 36. I tried to go to college four times and never made it past the first or early second semester. I do well with internet classes or self-paced classes (where you get videos from the college library and take chapter tests in the lab). The social aspects were overwhelming when combined with my introverted nature. At some point a couple months into a semester the break down would be going strong, and if I managed to finish, I couldn't face another semester even though I tried. I still have plans to get a degree at some point, because I think with the knowledge I have now, I'll be able to finally make college work in my favor instead of against my nature. Although, I must say I've done very well self-educating.

~Can be very passionate about a course of study or job, then change direction or go very cold on it almost immediately. *Yes*

Holy smokes. This girl went to college for math, then art, then engineering, then criminal justice. And I also cut hair. Enough said? I used to crack jokes that the only school I hadn't been to was the school of the blind, and it's only because I can see.

~Will often have trouble holding onto a job and will find employment daunting. *Yes*

Much like college, the social aspects of the daily grind were overwhelming for me. After a few weeks/months, having gotten to know the people around me and the shiny newness wore off, I became irritated with the way I had to deal with people. I'm very rigid about right and wrong (in behavior and literal functions), and even if that's an illusion for my part, I tend to get too angry when having to work in a group environment or having to compromise on what I know will work. The steady frustration leads to a complete breakdown. I've never worked for the same company for more than 12 months. Am I proud of that? NO! But now I can look back and see where things degraded and learn from it.

~Highly intelligent but can sometimes be slow to comprehend due to sensory and cognitive processing issues. *Yes*

It's not uncommon for me to misinterpret things that I read, or things people say in conversation. It's not that I'm incapable of understanding, it's that I have to straighten out the idea to get there. Sometimes I need to read or hear a thing repeatedly to be able to do that. This one seems very hard to explain--because it might be common for people to misunderstand things, but it's different when it's a problem with processing and not merely understanding.

~Will not do well with verbal instructions, needs to write down or draw a diagram. *Yes*

I can't tell you how many times I've stopped people from telling me how to get somewhere simple to draw a picture of the roads then put a little star where the building should be...lol. Similarly, you could tell me and show me photos/diagrams on how to fix a carburetor all year, but until I get my hands on it and do it myself, I won't understand and none of it will stick in my brain. Once I've actually done it, I'll never forget how and probably won't ever look at the instructions.

~Will have obsessions, but they are not as unusual as her male counterparts (Less likely to be a "trainspotter") *Yes*

I could go on and on about this and the way my obsessions evolve. For the last few years it's been fiction writing, and it got to the point where I had to get my own style of garage MFA--and I also think I've learned more in the last year than a lot of people do simply because I'm at it daily, hourly, non-stop. I've gone through numerous online courses about literature and the mechanics of writing. I've scoured the internet and read millions of words on the subject from teachers and writers alike. When I'm not writing, I'm thinking about writing. I even dream about it. While some people may see my obsessive quest for knowledge daunting, it's the only way I know how to operate. That in and of itself is not necessarily an Aspie trait. There are many writers I know who operate that way and finding balance isn't the easiest thing for them, either. I think the thing that sets me apart is that there's always been one subject of very narrow interest in my life to the exclusion of other things. There was the year I spent obsessed with wine and cheese and opera. The year I spent reading religious literature. The year I spent working on old cars. I tend to hyper focus until I have a satisfying grasp on what it is I'm studying and then something else will catch my eye. I have to say, I'm super glad writing has stuck with me and turned into something I can see myself doing long term. It took me forever to find it and I'm not giving it up.

*More on this tomorrow*

November 8th, 2010

*Female Asperger Syndrome Traits*

Appearance/Personal Habits

~Dresses comfortably due to sensory issues and practicality. *Yes*

I've been wearing pajama pants and sweatshirts for as long as I can remember. I can't stand turtlenecks and would tug at them constantly as a child. I still can't stand anything touching my throat. There are even times I have to stretch my neck because my own skin bothers me. You'll very rarely find me in a t-shirt or shorts because I can't handle my arms or legs being exposed. I also can't walk barefoot around the house because crumbs on my feet drive me completely batty, but I also have to sleep barefoot. I'll toss and turn until I remember to take my socks off...lol. Practicality meets fashion? I have one pair of security boots, one pair of tennis shoes, and one pair of flip-flops...when one pair wears out I toss them and get a new one.

~Will not spend much time on grooming and hair. *Yes*

I absolutely hate dealing with my hair. I'm prematurely gray and eventually get around to dying it every couple months, but I get a haircut once a year, if that. I'm a pony tail girl all the way. I've never had a regular stylist and I only wear make-up if I'm going somewhere important--not to the grocery store. On the occasions I have gone to a stylist, I've keep it up for a few weeks, but then quit.

~Eccentric personality, may be reflected in appearance. *Occasionally*

Probably far more so when I was younger. I went through a tattoo and piercing stage so I probably don't blend with the church crowd so much, but I've toned it down some. When I was a child/teen it was really bad because I had zero fashion sense. Inside my home, I have to be surrounded by odd things/many colors. As much as I'd like to be one of those Martha Stewart decorators with neutral walls and mahogany furniture, I wind up living in something that looks like a circus trailer. I know one reason I isolate myself from specific in-person relationships is because I like to remain on the outside and see things in my own way, without having to play a socially acceptable role for everyone.

~Youthful for her age in looks, behaviors, tastes, and dress. *Yes*

Yep. Forever 21. I'm facing 40 and still feel like a kid. I may be a little wiser at this age, but in a lot of ways I feel inadequate for someone who's middle aged, and my living situation reflects that in many ways. There are also times when I react in ways that are overly emotional/immature, and I know I'm doing it, but can't seem to get a grip.

~Expressive in facial gestures. *Yes*

I haaaate my face! I catch myself making super stupid faces when I'm alone, and even talking to myself or reciting lines from book/movies that run through my head. Now, I know better than to do things like that when people are around, but I've used the term "facial aerobics" to describe myself in company because I'm almost too expressive.

~Androgynous traits. May think of herself as half male/half female. *Yes*

I remember doing an IQ test in fifth grade, and when the woman scored it, she told me I was sexually confused. Really? How is a 5th grader supposed to understand what the hell that even MEANS? Where this comes into play the most, I think, is in how I carry myself. I'm very independent and mechanically intelligent and have always taken care of myself/done the traditional "boy jobs" (Like installing ceiling fans or running cable through walls). I don't carry myself like a man, but I'm not overtly feminine, either.

~No strong sense of identity, can be very chameleon like. *Yes*

I've said this about myself for years and continually tried to pry myself apart looking for some kind of "me". Not knowing who you really are is akin to being a man without a country. Comments from my mother, such as, "I can tell how you feel by what you're wearing," or, "You can be so classy when you try," only confirm this one for me. I am the supreme queen of shaping and molding myself to any crowd or situation. For years, I felt like there was no real me, only slices of pretend people glued together. As I get older, though, the facade peels away and a person I'm eager to know better emerges.

 ~Enjoys reading and films as a retreat. Often sci-fi, fantasy, children's.*Yes*

This is soooo funny. I am all those things to a T. I don't like to watch regular television, but I am a sucker for sci-fi, even more so the fantasy/children's movies and novels. My favorite books/movies of all time? Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, and Harry Potter. Voila!

~Uses control as stress management technique; rules, discipline, rigid in certain habits. *yes*

This is one of the aspects about myself that I dislike the most--my rigid nature and my control freakisms. They ruined my marriage (for my part). I'm unable to lower the standards for my surroundings, and it's not so much that I'm a clean freak, but things have their place and jobs are done a certain way. If anyone does a job differently or puts something away in the wrong spot, I can't leave it alone and walk away, and can even be downright mean because I expect everyone to know that "THIS is how it's done!" and "THIS is where it goes!" I can even see that part of myself coming out in the repetition of this paragraph...lol

~Usually happiest at home or in some other controlled environment. *Yes*

Thank the flying spaghetti monster for my home! I certainly qualify as an extreme introvert. I even go through times of paranoia where I can't open the blinds/answer the front door/pick up the phone, but those occasions are rare and I can be snapped out of it by taking Prozac or something similar for a month or two. I go to the same grocery store, gas station, and coffee shop when I do go anywhere. But I honestly leave my house once a week. Maybe twice if the situation calls for it.

*More on this tomorrow*

November 7th, 2010

Let's get something off my chest.

I don't hate games. I can't play them.

Video games, board games, card games, it doesn't matter what they're selling. I won't even do crosswords or Sudoku. As much as I love the idea of roll playing games, I can't sit through them. I can lovingly eyeball the awesome dice and paint the little figurines. There's no trouble reading the manuals or even creating characters, but when it comes time to play...

~As I sit there, a sliver of electricity coils inside my stomach. My muscles start to tense up and irritation builds and builds until I feel queasy, a film of sweat breaks out on my forehead, and the urge to lash out and punch the wall/sculpture/person/cat next to me gets overwhelming. No one wants that.

But I want everyone to know I don't like being called a "party pooper." It is not now, nor has it ever been, my mission in life to screw up the party for everyone else because they need me to be player six and I won't do it. I really want to join in the fun, but I can't.

You'd think my aversion to Monoply was un-American.

Okay, bad example :P

But seriously, the whining and pushing and begging makes them look like a toddler who can't have a Ring Pop. No means no, right? I'm not going to badger an adult who doesn't want to eat the Brussels sprouts.

To be fair, I understand that one. I hate Brussels sprouts.

November 6th, 2010

~From Lori Berkowitz, board member of Autism Women's Network;

"I was a smart but strange kid. I didn't understand things, especially people. I didn't fit in. I thought school was dumb. I thought a lot of things were dumb. Turns out a lot of them are, but many were not as black and white as I thought at the time. It wasn't until I was an adult that I began seeing shades of grey.

During my early years of school, I barely talked at all and spent a bunch of time in the principal's office. My teachers and school psychologists thought I could be normal if I tried harder. If I would just be like the other kids, they would like me and wouldn't be so mean to me. I just wasn't ‘applying myself'.

It wasn't until 5 years ago that I finally learned what is ‘wrong' with me. I have Asperger's Syndrome. Autism. I sometimes wonder what would life have been like if we knew that when I was 3 instead of when I was 38? It is hard not to think of all the ‘if's."

~Thanks, Lori, you're singing my song.