1) Did you always have some sense that you were different?
Yes. I was always an odd kid. When it came time to go to kindergarten, I gave my mother every excuse in the world why I couldn't go. I wasn't afraid of school, I just knew in my tiny little soul that it wasn't for me, which proved to be true across my whole life. Grade school was a nightmare because I never understood why it was I got picked on so terribly. I wanted more than anything to "fit in", or at the very least not be singled out. I seriously had zero clue why I was on the receiving end of all that taunting.
2) Was feeling different a source of difficulty for you or easy to accept? Why?
You know, it never really occurred to me the two were connected. There was a part of me that knew I didn't fit in, that knew I wasn't like everyone else, but I couldn't define it back then. Being an odd duck and feeling like I didn't belong were in no way related, because to me, my actions were perfectly normal.
3) If you were diagnosed or self-diagnosed in adulthood, what do you think, if anything, would have helped you if you'd known at a much younger age?
I probably would have cut myself a lot more slack. I'm pretty sure it would have changed the types of jobs I went for, or the kind of secondary education I attempted. The biggest part is the shame and guilt I carried for years--that crap is heavy! And it does a lot of damage.
4) If you could find support now as an AS adult what would you like it to be like? What kind of support (if any) do you feel you'd benefit from and why?
I want to curl up in a big ball and cry like a baby and be told it's okay to take a rest--to not think about what's next, what's now, what was. The best thing possible would be some kind of affordable therapy. I don't think shrinks and pills are the answer to my problem, but having a little help to navigate and recalibrate would be awesome.
5) What do you think are the major differences in females with AS as opposed to males with AS?
I'm too new to Autism to know, and I haven't met any people with Asperger's yet (Helloooo... Fortress of Solitude?), though I'm pretty sure females are harder to spot than males from what I've read.
6) Are you happy and self-accepting? Do you still have times of pain or distress about what AS means in your life?
I'm a fairly optimistic person. That's surprising to me because I have been torn down a lot in life--bosses, family, friends, teachers. But I also know it's not totally their fault. They were in a bad situation because they didn't know why I did the things I did, or how to help me, any more than I did. Education about people with autism is really important, especially in the schools. I try very hard not to dwell on the past and try to remember that I'm not the only person in my history that suffered because of my condition. There's a part of me that feels for my parents and teachers because I don't think for a minute they wanted to dislike me or disapprove of me. I had just as many endearing qualities as I had frustrating ones.
7) How does AS manifest in your life for you? Do you feel lonely? Do you have difficulty socializing? Do you ever feel a desire to socialize but find it too much?
I think it manifests in a lot of ways, but the biggies are anxiety and introversion. I have moments of loneliness because I do isolate a lot, but at the same time, you're asking if I dislike something it's in my nature to do. So, I'm not really too upset about being alone, but do have moments where I wish I was a bit more extroverted or thought to pick up the phone and call people.
8) Do you have any issues with anxiety? If so, how does it affect you and what do you do to cope?
Big time. I think it would be far easier to be phobic, because phobias are fixable. What I experience is more like a low level constant fear of the great unknown--the possibilities more than any distinct thing or action--and also what I know will happen inside my head, that I'll get overwhelmed. Before I knew about Asperger's, I'd wondered if I was agoraphobic, but it made no sense because I have no problem going to the grocery store once a week, or going out on occasion. It's the oddest thing, because I also don't want to be home all the time, it's just what I do and where I feel most comfortable. If I spend too much time away from my house I get really wound up and unable to handle the stress and rush of constant input.
9)Do you have issues of sensory over-load? If so, how do they manifest and how do you cope?
Definitely. The outside world is a menagerie of spiraling sounds and sights. If you've ever seen a movie where they showed a person spinning in the street while every noise and action stood out--and know they presented the scene that way to show how it freaked the person out and confused them--then you know what it feels like to be me. The only way to cope with it is to be prepared. I'm not the type of person to mad dash somewhere on a whim. I like plans, they allow me to get centered and make sure I'm ready to go on time and know what to expect. Being "out there" is different for me than it is for most people. I'm also that way at home. If I'm expecting someone, a knock on the door or a phone call is no big deal, but if it's unexpected I freeze up. I've been known to go hide when someone knocks on the door or turn the ringer off on the phone. I'll even let the battery die on my phone and not charge it for a few days. The important people in my life are all connected due to this fact, so if something big happens, there's always a way to get me information.
10) As a female with AS what do you most want NT's to know/understand about you?
I'm not mean, I'm not disinterested, I'm not weird. Mostly, I'm just like you.
