*Questions from Asperger Adults*
Monday, November 22, 2010
Friday, November 19, 2010
November 19th, 2010
The problem with sharing the thoughts and experiences I've had over the course of my lifetime, is that it gives me some serious anxiety. I'm really afraid to come off looking like a loser, or a freak, because I've put so much energy into blending. But the whole point of starting this thing was to tell the truth about my life as I know it--and in some eyes, freak may be exactly how I'll look. Talking about "it", whatever the "it" of the day turns out to be, is the best way for me to show my experiences are perfectly normal, even if only to me.
The struggle to keep a roof over my head since I was seventeen hasn't been an easy one. I'm a trooper and learned to fight pretty hard to keep it all together without complaints. For all the years of people looking down on me or thinking I was lazy or crazy, I don't have the words, I think, to explain how little that noise helped the situation or made me want to try harder, but I'm going to explain it the best I can. I do fear that I'll also come off all "doom and gloom" when writing these long rants and face the "get over it" perspective from others, but the reality is, things have always been incredibly hard. I don't look at my situation and want pity from anyone. Pity makes me angry and it isn't the point at all. I only want to share the struggles I've endured because I know other people are experiencing them, too, and admitting to those struggles can help everyone understand them, not only the Autistic person.
Had I been diagnosed with HFA back in the 80's, or even with Aspergers in the mid 90's, I'm sure the course of my life would have been different, if only a little easier to navigate. The percentage of diagnoses between men and women is pretty unbalanced, but there may be reasons for that other than the actual disorder itself. A woman who's perceived as shy and disinterested in social events doesn't stand out the way a man does in today's world, where eye contact and interaction is expected. Abuse in relationships shares the same problem. While boys are expected to join in and be decent at team sports, girls typically aren't, so the existence of dyspraxia is also easier to detect in males. If you ask me, there's an incredible imbalance in detection due to societal gender roles and stereotypes. There are going to be people who say I was better off because I was able to get by with some of those traits without standing out, but the opposite is true. It prevents a person from getting the answers they need and a diagnosis that can be critical to moving forward.
I've had serious low points in my life--sleeping on friend's couches and even staying in homeless shelters when things fell completely apart. It's been years since I've had to deal with those problems, more than a decade, but it wasn't easy to get where I am now and I haven't done it alone. Employment has always been hard to keep a handle on. There are a handful of jobs I was fired from when I was young, but the majority I quit (by simply not showing up) after the anxiety, paranoia, and frustration became too much for me to handle mentally. I've also been in and out of college more times than I care to admit, but I've always tried, and kept trying. That's the point of the experiment, I guess, to keep fighting, because nothing good can really happen if you're not reaching for it.
The truth is, I am not a quitter. Nor am I a victim and wouldn't ever want to be seen as one. I'm a person who has a highly limited ability to deal with the the everyday things that happen outside the four walls of my home--that's simply life as I know it. The world isn't "out to get me", even if it can feel that way when looking at the long list of basic expectations a normal life entails. I will never stop trying to meet those basic expectations, nor will I point the finger and pretend it's everyone else's fault if I fail. Whether or not I succeed or fail will be a direct result of the brain I was born with, and that responsibility lies on no one. Accepting failure as some sort of flippant personal choice I made isn't going to fly with me because I want desperately to succeed. My very best is all I can be expected to give--and however that turns out, well, it's what little old me and the world gets.
I think the lack of resources for adults with Autism is something that cripples many people before they can ever take flight. It's not too much to say there are adults that need help managing daily life and their inevitable breakdowns when they don't get that help, because getting by can be too hard without help--I can admit that shamelessly. The focus on school age kids and early intervention is fantastic when there are services available, but much of the time a diagnosis and therapy run financially in the thousands. There are people out there not getting the desperate attention they deserve because they don't have the dollars, or they're just too damn old to be bothered with.
For the record....I am not a lost f*cking cause and I resent the fact I'm seen as such by the powers that be.
*Ahem*
Anyway, moving on. The only reason I don't live in a cardboard box right now is because I wound up married with a few kids, then divorced, and have a hard working ex-husband who's been downright admirable for making sure we're all housed and fed and happy. As much as we struggle to communicate and he gets on my damn nerves, he's also a hero of sorts. Before I had children, I could manage work and bills and the basics. After I had children? No way. There are loads of single mom's who go to work everyday, bundle up the kids and take them to daycare, fight traffic, slog for nine hours in some factory or office, then pick up the kids, feed them, do homework, clean the house, do all the laundry, the list just never ends.....they're heroes to me as well. I can barely get through most days and I seldom leave my house. There's already a low level anxiety about where my life will take me when my kids are grown and (hopefully) off to college. I envision a small apartment and a quiet nine to five and a cat and evenings spent reading. That's about the gist of what I can pull off when I look at my future from where I stand today.
It's the reason I have such hope that finally getting an Aspergers diagnosis can begin to change things for me as new realizations about my nature open up to me. I don't want to do what I do now! That's the biggest misconception--that I'm somehow content to be in my cave all day and I don't need or want anyone around me, and, "Oh, well, lovely cat you have there."
It's so untrue! I crave people. I just seriously suck at relating to them and sustaining friendship. I seriously suck at having to leave my house everyday. Hell, I spend three days gearing up mentally to walk to the post office. I can't begin to tell you what a toll that takes on a person's ability to manage their life. My mother used to tell me how my grandmother spent most of her life inside her kitchen, smoking and singing gospel songs, staring out the window. Part of me believes her life, like mine, was a prison. And for most people, breaking out would be as simple as walking through the front door. So I completely understand that it's hard to envision me as "trapped," but I do feel that way most days, and yes, it sucks giant heaps of dirt. Hope, enough hope that I can somehow bend the bars and squeeze through enough to feel some wind on my face, because I found out why I tick, came just in time to keep me from throwing in the towel altogether.
I recently remembered I'm fighter, and I have no intention of taking the blasted gloves off.
The struggle to keep a roof over my head since I was seventeen hasn't been an easy one. I'm a trooper and learned to fight pretty hard to keep it all together without complaints. For all the years of people looking down on me or thinking I was lazy or crazy, I don't have the words, I think, to explain how little that noise helped the situation or made me want to try harder, but I'm going to explain it the best I can. I do fear that I'll also come off all "doom and gloom" when writing these long rants and face the "get over it" perspective from others, but the reality is, things have always been incredibly hard. I don't look at my situation and want pity from anyone. Pity makes me angry and it isn't the point at all. I only want to share the struggles I've endured because I know other people are experiencing them, too, and admitting to those struggles can help everyone understand them, not only the Autistic person.
Had I been diagnosed with HFA back in the 80's, or even with Aspergers in the mid 90's, I'm sure the course of my life would have been different, if only a little easier to navigate. The percentage of diagnoses between men and women is pretty unbalanced, but there may be reasons for that other than the actual disorder itself. A woman who's perceived as shy and disinterested in social events doesn't stand out the way a man does in today's world, where eye contact and interaction is expected. Abuse in relationships shares the same problem. While boys are expected to join in and be decent at team sports, girls typically aren't, so the existence of dyspraxia is also easier to detect in males. If you ask me, there's an incredible imbalance in detection due to societal gender roles and stereotypes. There are going to be people who say I was better off because I was able to get by with some of those traits without standing out, but the opposite is true. It prevents a person from getting the answers they need and a diagnosis that can be critical to moving forward.
I've had serious low points in my life--sleeping on friend's couches and even staying in homeless shelters when things fell completely apart. It's been years since I've had to deal with those problems, more than a decade, but it wasn't easy to get where I am now and I haven't done it alone. Employment has always been hard to keep a handle on. There are a handful of jobs I was fired from when I was young, but the majority I quit (by simply not showing up) after the anxiety, paranoia, and frustration became too much for me to handle mentally. I've also been in and out of college more times than I care to admit, but I've always tried, and kept trying. That's the point of the experiment, I guess, to keep fighting, because nothing good can really happen if you're not reaching for it.
The truth is, I am not a quitter. Nor am I a victim and wouldn't ever want to be seen as one. I'm a person who has a highly limited ability to deal with the the everyday things that happen outside the four walls of my home--that's simply life as I know it. The world isn't "out to get me", even if it can feel that way when looking at the long list of basic expectations a normal life entails. I will never stop trying to meet those basic expectations, nor will I point the finger and pretend it's everyone else's fault if I fail. Whether or not I succeed or fail will be a direct result of the brain I was born with, and that responsibility lies on no one. Accepting failure as some sort of flippant personal choice I made isn't going to fly with me because I want desperately to succeed. My very best is all I can be expected to give--and however that turns out, well, it's what little old me and the world gets.
I think the lack of resources for adults with Autism is something that cripples many people before they can ever take flight. It's not too much to say there are adults that need help managing daily life and their inevitable breakdowns when they don't get that help, because getting by can be too hard without help--I can admit that shamelessly. The focus on school age kids and early intervention is fantastic when there are services available, but much of the time a diagnosis and therapy run financially in the thousands. There are people out there not getting the desperate attention they deserve because they don't have the dollars, or they're just too damn old to be bothered with.
For the record....I am not a lost f*cking cause and I resent the fact I'm seen as such by the powers that be.
*Ahem*
Anyway, moving on. The only reason I don't live in a cardboard box right now is because I wound up married with a few kids, then divorced, and have a hard working ex-husband who's been downright admirable for making sure we're all housed and fed and happy. As much as we struggle to communicate and he gets on my damn nerves, he's also a hero of sorts. Before I had children, I could manage work and bills and the basics. After I had children? No way. There are loads of single mom's who go to work everyday, bundle up the kids and take them to daycare, fight traffic, slog for nine hours in some factory or office, then pick up the kids, feed them, do homework, clean the house, do all the laundry, the list just never ends.....they're heroes to me as well. I can barely get through most days and I seldom leave my house. There's already a low level anxiety about where my life will take me when my kids are grown and (hopefully) off to college. I envision a small apartment and a quiet nine to five and a cat and evenings spent reading. That's about the gist of what I can pull off when I look at my future from where I stand today.
It's the reason I have such hope that finally getting an Aspergers diagnosis can begin to change things for me as new realizations about my nature open up to me. I don't want to do what I do now! That's the biggest misconception--that I'm somehow content to be in my cave all day and I don't need or want anyone around me, and, "Oh, well, lovely cat you have there."
It's so untrue! I crave people. I just seriously suck at relating to them and sustaining friendship. I seriously suck at having to leave my house everyday. Hell, I spend three days gearing up mentally to walk to the post office. I can't begin to tell you what a toll that takes on a person's ability to manage their life. My mother used to tell me how my grandmother spent most of her life inside her kitchen, smoking and singing gospel songs, staring out the window. Part of me believes her life, like mine, was a prison. And for most people, breaking out would be as simple as walking through the front door. So I completely understand that it's hard to envision me as "trapped," but I do feel that way most days, and yes, it sucks giant heaps of dirt. Hope, enough hope that I can somehow bend the bars and squeeze through enough to feel some wind on my face, because I found out why I tick, came just in time to keep me from throwing in the towel altogether.
I recently remembered I'm fighter, and I have no intention of taking the blasted gloves off.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
November 18th, 2010
I had to take a break for a couple days. It seems I wrote myself into a corner and had to shake it off. It's not so hard to think about the stuff I want to say in this blog, but it's fairly exhausting to put those thoughts in some kind of coherent order and use the right grammar, punctuation, etc. The same things happens to me when I write fiction. Things seem to go along smoothly for a month or two before I suffer from random burnout. When that happens, even looking at a manuscript can give me a negative physical reaction and I can't seem to face the idea of typing a single word let alone a sentence. It can take an entire month for me to get back in the groove.
I'm used to the waves by now. Balance is practically non-existent in my life. I usually don't eat anything before noon or 1 pm. Reading signals from my body is a complete crap-shoot. I can sit down to write something or surf the net and by the time I look up, four hours have passed, I'm practically dying from bladder torture, my throat is dry, I could use a snack, my spine hurts from heavy focus and not moving around. It's a real mess...lol. I can drink two pots of coffee before lunch and forget to eat anything. I'll stuff myself in the afternoon and forget to drink any water. And people wonder why Aspies suffer from stomach problems? Pssh. No surprise here. The really frustrating thing is I know I do it. I just can't seem to think of it in those moments to correct it.
One of the problems I seem to be having the last few days is acceptance of all these idiosyncrasies of mine. After two really bad days of unexplained depression and hopelessness, I picked my arse up off the sofa and went to the library to get my first Aspie book. The introduction from Michael John Carley brought tears to my eyes. There was nothing particularly emotional about what he was saying, it's just the similarity in our situations that struck me. He recognized his symptoms while trying to get help for his son. The same thing happened to me. He had a hard time accepting it, to the point he took a 5 day vacation alone to surf and watch people. I completely understand how facing an Asperger diagnosis can force a person to step outside their situation.
As much as I believe having an answer is a real saving grace for a person who has an Autism Spectrum Disorder, there are other things that go along with finally having those answers to the why's in their life. While the experience is different for everyone, I realized, just yesterday, that the sadness I feel is related to the fact I'm going through a grieving process. Since I started this blog a couple weeks ago, I've been thinking about "it", talking about "it", and all of my anger has bubbled back to the surface.
When I was told last year that I had AS, I thought, "Cool, that explains issues A thru W." But afterward I took three steps back and went on my way, back into my life, my world. There was a certain amount of denial there I wasn't aware of. Accepting that diagnosis, really admitting it in my core and knowing there's no "fix" makes me spitting mad. It's as though I have to admit to myself that my hopes of being normal died and they were cremated and there's no bringing them back. That's not easy for me. I'm not the type of person who can't solve a problem, so wrapping my head around the fact that it's permanent is stressful. Sure, I can find ways to deal better with the negative aspects, but I'll never be anything but ME. Aspergers is not separate from who I am, it is who I am and I have no choice in the matter. I have to spend my entire lifetime experiencing the world differently than other people get to, and yes, it really does chap my ass, because I never asked to be different.
This paragraph from Aspergers from the Inside Out really struck a chord with me~
My movements were slow, more careful and methodical than others', relaxed in contrast to the bodies whipping back and forth. Yet, oddly, few people bumped into me, and I began to feel like a ghost that no one saw. I walked the room, climbed up to the many floors, and viewed the ground-floor scene of tourist masses from many vantage points. All the while I was slowly taking mental notes; notes that weren't as smugly jotted down as they'd been in the past. For as I watched the dictionary of non-verbal communication flowing back and forth, I was hit fully, finally, that what separated me from them wasn't cultural. It never had been. It wasn't intellectual. It never had been. It was bigger than that. Staring into that sea of abandon, I knew.
I did feel something similar to that before the psychiatrist ever said, "Yes, you do have Aspergers."
I've felt something similar to that in countless moments that span thirty-seven years. I love it when people roll their eyes and say, "Every kid feels different, every kids thinks they must be adopted or an alien." I dare say it's not the same thing a person with Autism feels. Sometimes, none of us feel like we belong. Sometimes, we all get confused. But knowing in your core being every second of the day that you are not like those people, is different from what the average bear experiences. It's not lack of belonging, it's a factual separation.
So yes, I think it's probably pretty obvious I'm stuck in a grievance pattern. I've gotten past much of the denial, but I'm still dealing with the anger, bargaining, and depression that comes with finally accepting it all. I'm looking forward to the kind of acceptance that's free of negative emotions, and I think the best thing I could have done for myself was start this blog, get reading materials, and decide to make some sort of plan for my future (though it's definitely in the rough draft stage). This all feels akin to the first step in a treatment program, because I have to admit I'm powerless to change what is, I can only work toward living my best life knowing that I am never more than a few stages from a meltdown--but it can be managed if I try.
One day at a time, right?
I'm used to the waves by now. Balance is practically non-existent in my life. I usually don't eat anything before noon or 1 pm. Reading signals from my body is a complete crap-shoot. I can sit down to write something or surf the net and by the time I look up, four hours have passed, I'm practically dying from bladder torture, my throat is dry, I could use a snack, my spine hurts from heavy focus and not moving around. It's a real mess...lol. I can drink two pots of coffee before lunch and forget to eat anything. I'll stuff myself in the afternoon and forget to drink any water. And people wonder why Aspies suffer from stomach problems? Pssh. No surprise here. The really frustrating thing is I know I do it. I just can't seem to think of it in those moments to correct it.
One of the problems I seem to be having the last few days is acceptance of all these idiosyncrasies of mine. After two really bad days of unexplained depression and hopelessness, I picked my arse up off the sofa and went to the library to get my first Aspie book. The introduction from Michael John Carley brought tears to my eyes. There was nothing particularly emotional about what he was saying, it's just the similarity in our situations that struck me. He recognized his symptoms while trying to get help for his son. The same thing happened to me. He had a hard time accepting it, to the point he took a 5 day vacation alone to surf and watch people. I completely understand how facing an Asperger diagnosis can force a person to step outside their situation.
As much as I believe having an answer is a real saving grace for a person who has an Autism Spectrum Disorder, there are other things that go along with finally having those answers to the why's in their life. While the experience is different for everyone, I realized, just yesterday, that the sadness I feel is related to the fact I'm going through a grieving process. Since I started this blog a couple weeks ago, I've been thinking about "it", talking about "it", and all of my anger has bubbled back to the surface.
When I was told last year that I had AS, I thought, "Cool, that explains issues A thru W." But afterward I took three steps back and went on my way, back into my life, my world. There was a certain amount of denial there I wasn't aware of. Accepting that diagnosis, really admitting it in my core and knowing there's no "fix" makes me spitting mad. It's as though I have to admit to myself that my hopes of being normal died and they were cremated and there's no bringing them back. That's not easy for me. I'm not the type of person who can't solve a problem, so wrapping my head around the fact that it's permanent is stressful. Sure, I can find ways to deal better with the negative aspects, but I'll never be anything but ME. Aspergers is not separate from who I am, it is who I am and I have no choice in the matter. I have to spend my entire lifetime experiencing the world differently than other people get to, and yes, it really does chap my ass, because I never asked to be different.
This paragraph from Aspergers from the Inside Out really struck a chord with me~
My movements were slow, more careful and methodical than others', relaxed in contrast to the bodies whipping back and forth. Yet, oddly, few people bumped into me, and I began to feel like a ghost that no one saw. I walked the room, climbed up to the many floors, and viewed the ground-floor scene of tourist masses from many vantage points. All the while I was slowly taking mental notes; notes that weren't as smugly jotted down as they'd been in the past. For as I watched the dictionary of non-verbal communication flowing back and forth, I was hit fully, finally, that what separated me from them wasn't cultural. It never had been. It wasn't intellectual. It never had been. It was bigger than that. Staring into that sea of abandon, I knew.
I did feel something similar to that before the psychiatrist ever said, "Yes, you do have Aspergers."
I've felt something similar to that in countless moments that span thirty-seven years. I love it when people roll their eyes and say, "Every kid feels different, every kids thinks they must be adopted or an alien." I dare say it's not the same thing a person with Autism feels. Sometimes, none of us feel like we belong. Sometimes, we all get confused. But knowing in your core being every second of the day that you are not like those people, is different from what the average bear experiences. It's not lack of belonging, it's a factual separation.
So yes, I think it's probably pretty obvious I'm stuck in a grievance pattern. I've gotten past much of the denial, but I'm still dealing with the anger, bargaining, and depression that comes with finally accepting it all. I'm looking forward to the kind of acceptance that's free of negative emotions, and I think the best thing I could have done for myself was start this blog, get reading materials, and decide to make some sort of plan for my future (though it's definitely in the rough draft stage). This all feels akin to the first step in a treatment program, because I have to admit I'm powerless to change what is, I can only work toward living my best life knowing that I am never more than a few stages from a meltdown--but it can be managed if I try.
One day at a time, right?
Monday, November 15, 2010
November 15th, 2010
*Discovery Criteria for Aspies by Atwood and Grey*
Lest certain things be misunderstood, such as "A qualitative advantage in social interactions," remember to keep these things in context. He's not talking about blond cheerleaders. I've added short answers as these apply to me.
A. A qualitative advantage in social interaction, as manifested by a majority of the following:
1. peer relationships characterized by absolute loyalty and impeccable dependability
*Absolutely, in my case.
2. free of sexist, "age-ist", or culturalist biases; ability to regard others at "face value"
*If a person is interesting, I could care less if they're from Alpha Centauri or have three eyeballs.
3. speaking one’s mind irrespective of social context or adherence to personal beliefs
*I'm certainly not one to follow a hive-mind perspective or join in mob thinking. I do have a tendency to say the type of thing other people may be thinking, but won't say themselves.
4. ability to pursue personal theory or perspective despite conflicting evidence
*I often look at things from all angles, and can appreciate information that doesn't match my position.
5. seeking an audience or friends capable of: enthusiasm for unique interests and topics;
*Absolutely true. I have a hard time with people who share nothing in common with me.
6. consideration of details; spending time discussing a topic that may not be of primary interest
*I do get fascinated with tangents.
7. listening without continual judgment or assumption
*Also absolutely true. I need the whole picture before I decide how I feel about something.
8. interested primarily in significant contributions to conversation; preferring to avoid ‘ritualistic small talk’ or socially trivial statements and superficial conversation.
*I live for intellectual discourse and debate, and suck at the, "How have you been?" portion of conversations.
9. seeking sincere, positive, genuine friends with an unassuming sense of humor
*This is true for most people (I assume), so yes, of course.
B. Fluent in "Aspergerese", a social language characterized by at least three of the following:
1. a determination to seek the truth
*Almost compulsively, and I'll keep asking questions until I have the closest thing to it.
2. conversation free of hidden meaning or agenda
*I abhor playing games with people--it's incredibly annoying.
3. advanced vocabulary and interest in words
*I believe this applies to me, yes. I've always had a wide vocabulary, I just had to learn how to use it.
4. fascination with word-based humor, such as puns
*I'm inclined to be laid back concerning puns?
5. advanced use of pictorial metaphor
*The world really IS a stage.
C. Cognitive skills characterized by at least four of the following:
1. strong preference for detail over gestalt
*Things that are difficult to clearly define frustrate me to no end!
2. original, often unique perspective in problem solving
*Absolutely! And often very efficient.
3. exceptional memory and/or recall of details often forgotten or disregarded by others, for example: names, dates, schedules, routines
*Absolutely--I also remember things no one in their right mind would have cause to remember.
4. avid perseverance in gathering and cataloging information on a topic of interest
*This is me to a fault.
5. persistence of thought
*When I'm anxious it's the worst, it becomes almost obsessive.
6. encyclopedic or ‘CD ROM’ knowledge of one or more topics
*I tend to be a generalized know-it-all, but I definitely have strong areas of interest.
7. knowledge of routines and a focused desire to maintain order and accuracy
*I'm very rigid in my expectations and what goes on in my surroundings.
8. clarity of values/decision making unaltered by political or financial factors
*I have a very strong sense of ethics/morality/justice and it seldom bends.
D. Additional possible features:
1. acute sensitivity to specific sensory experiences and stimuli, for example: hearing, touch, vision, and/or smell
*Yes, yes, yes!
2. strength in individual sports and games, particularly those involving endurance or visual accuracy, including rowing, swimming, bowling, chess
*Mine happen to be Swimming, Golf, and Darts, etc. but I really concentrate. I certainly stink at team sports.
3. “social unsung hero” with trusting optimism: frequent victim of social weaknesses of others, while steadfast in the belief of the possibility of genuine friendship
*Sadly, this is very true. I don't tend the good relationships I should and often find myself in bad relationships far beyond their expiration date.
4. increased probability over general population of attending university after high school
*Should have been, had my social and introversion issues allowed for it.
5. often take care of others outside the range of typical development
*Also true--I'm a sucker, it seems, for people who mismanage their lives because most of it seems so simple to me. I think, "If you would just (insert decision/action) things would be so easy." I often have to remind myself not to be concerned with the lives of others and focus on where MINE isn't working. I've learned most people are going to do what grooves with their personality/history no matter what you say to them, so it's a lot of wasted energy on my part.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
November 14th, 2010
Music is one of those "noises" that keeps me sane in my everyday sludge. It's a real lifesaver when other sensory input overwhelms. As I write this blog, I'm reminded of last evening~ I was sitting at my desk trying to read something online; Sponge Bob's voice flowed from an upstairs TV, my daughter tapped a pencil on a pad of paper behind me as she did her homework, a dog barked a block away, a car passed every couple minutes, the fan in the PC whirred, the refrigerator kicked on...
Most people can drown out everyday sounds such as those as they become accustomed to them. I cannot do that ever for any reason. Every once in a while I think about J.K. Rowling locking herself in a hotel room to finish the end of HP 7 and Oh My God do I ever understand why that could help a person complete a project. Those noises I hear don't combine to create something pleasant the way music does, obviously, so the choice for me is an easy one. In those times I'm wanting to concentrate, the ear buds have to go in and the iPod goes ON. The singer is little different than Sponge Bob, the drums are the tapping pencil, the chorus similar in cycle to the cars, but it has a totally different effect on me (as it does on just about anyone else), and it's essential.
As with most things in my life, I have very narrow interests in music, and each individual artist I like represents a particular year and state of being. The only album I listened to for the first six months after it released was Pearl Jam's Ten (It reminds me of bullying and neglect). In 1994 it was Green Day's Dookie (Spite and rebellion), and six months after that I picked up Nirvana's Nevermind (Utter disenchantment, all the way). I still listen to those three albums on occasion, but very little else that came out around that time. Entire albums represent an all encompassing picture and clicking-slide-disk of memories, sort of a definition and list of snapshots on whatever "section" of life I happened to be dealing with at that time--also defined as a particular developmental level, I guess. I'd be bothered by the amount of science I apply to it if I thought for a second it lacked emotion, but for something that can be charted and graphed, there's nine tons of invisible feeling where the lines should lay.
From age ten to age twelve I had Michael Jackson's Thriller (I certainly sensed his fear of others back then), Cyndi Lauper's She's So Unusual (Innate strangeness), Phil Collin's No Jacket Required (Unapologetic sense of humor), and nothing else unless it was a one hit wonder on the radio. At fifteen and sixteen, It was Guns and Roses Welcome to the Jungle (Shameless violence and drugs (curiosity at that point)) and L.A. Guns' Cocked and Loaded (Melodramatic depression and stage drama). At seventeen it was Danzig's self titled album (Vengeance, futility, and little else)...and on and on that list goes.
I can't pretend to be a music aficionado in any scope of the word. While I have 17,000 songs on my PC and know a lot of information about various bands from the 80's and 90's (it's a compulsive collecting issue, as with DVD's I'll never watch more than once, or books I've never read but have to own, etc.), I listen to only ONE artist regularly--and that's Sting.
I wouldn't say I'm obsessed. When you talk about unrealistic schizoid issues, this girl ain't guilty at all. If I met the guy, I'd certainly want to shake his hand and say thanks for the music, but I wouldn't expect to be his pal or want a lock of his hair. For whatever reason though, when I first hard the song Syncronicity ll way back in the early 80's, I latched on for dear life. It could have been the lyrics that got me...
Since then, I've gone on to collect every album in both The Police and Sting's discography. I even have foreign editions and bootleg studio recordings and various concerts. I've heard each one of those songs thousands of times and never tire of them. Often when I'm writing fiction, I have to play either On a Winter's Night or Mercury Falling. They're the only two albums I can concentrate to (for the last year)--every other song in the Universe in those moments would normally be an utter distraction. If I don't play Best of the Police when I clean my house, I'm slow as a slug or reluctant to do anything at all.
Stranger still, every album I listen to has a few numbers attached to it. If on a Winter's Night plays at volume 15 and is around 51 minutes long and was released in 2009. Ten plays at volume 16 and is close to 53 minutes long and was released in 1991 . Nevermind plays at Volume 18 and is about 42 minutes long and was released in 1991, etc., etc., etc.
Most people can drown out everyday sounds such as those as they become accustomed to them. I cannot do that ever for any reason. Every once in a while I think about J.K. Rowling locking herself in a hotel room to finish the end of HP 7 and Oh My God do I ever understand why that could help a person complete a project. Those noises I hear don't combine to create something pleasant the way music does, obviously, so the choice for me is an easy one. In those times I'm wanting to concentrate, the ear buds have to go in and the iPod goes ON. The singer is little different than Sponge Bob, the drums are the tapping pencil, the chorus similar in cycle to the cars, but it has a totally different effect on me (as it does on just about anyone else), and it's essential.
As with most things in my life, I have very narrow interests in music, and each individual artist I like represents a particular year and state of being. The only album I listened to for the first six months after it released was Pearl Jam's Ten (It reminds me of bullying and neglect). In 1994 it was Green Day's Dookie (Spite and rebellion), and six months after that I picked up Nirvana's Nevermind (Utter disenchantment, all the way). I still listen to those three albums on occasion, but very little else that came out around that time. Entire albums represent an all encompassing picture and clicking-slide-disk of memories, sort of a definition and list of snapshots on whatever "section" of life I happened to be dealing with at that time--also defined as a particular developmental level, I guess. I'd be bothered by the amount of science I apply to it if I thought for a second it lacked emotion, but for something that can be charted and graphed, there's nine tons of invisible feeling where the lines should lay.
From age ten to age twelve I had Michael Jackson's Thriller (I certainly sensed his fear of others back then), Cyndi Lauper's She's So Unusual (Innate strangeness), Phil Collin's No Jacket Required (Unapologetic sense of humor), and nothing else unless it was a one hit wonder on the radio. At fifteen and sixteen, It was Guns and Roses Welcome to the Jungle (Shameless violence and drugs (curiosity at that point)) and L.A. Guns' Cocked and Loaded (Melodramatic depression and stage drama). At seventeen it was Danzig's self titled album (Vengeance, futility, and little else)...and on and on that list goes.
I can't pretend to be a music aficionado in any scope of the word. While I have 17,000 songs on my PC and know a lot of information about various bands from the 80's and 90's (it's a compulsive collecting issue, as with DVD's I'll never watch more than once, or books I've never read but have to own, etc.), I listen to only ONE artist regularly--and that's Sting.
I wouldn't say I'm obsessed. When you talk about unrealistic schizoid issues, this girl ain't guilty at all. If I met the guy, I'd certainly want to shake his hand and say thanks for the music, but I wouldn't expect to be his pal or want a lock of his hair. For whatever reason though, when I first hard the song Syncronicity ll way back in the early 80's, I latched on for dear life. It could have been the lyrics that got me...
Another suburban family morning
Grandmother screaming at the wall
We have to shout above the din of our Rice Crispies
Can't hear anything at all
Grandmother screaming at the wall
We have to shout above the din of our Rice Crispies
Can't hear anything at all
Since then, I've gone on to collect every album in both The Police and Sting's discography. I even have foreign editions and bootleg studio recordings and various concerts. I've heard each one of those songs thousands of times and never tire of them. Often when I'm writing fiction, I have to play either On a Winter's Night or Mercury Falling. They're the only two albums I can concentrate to (for the last year)--every other song in the Universe in those moments would normally be an utter distraction. If I don't play Best of the Police when I clean my house, I'm slow as a slug or reluctant to do anything at all.
Stranger still, every album I listen to has a few numbers attached to it. If on a Winter's Night plays at volume 15 and is around 51 minutes long and was released in 2009. Ten plays at volume 16 and is close to 53 minutes long and was released in 1991 . Nevermind plays at Volume 18 and is about 42 minutes long and was released in 1991, etc., etc., etc.
There's no way on God's green Earth I'm going to be able to explain why that is. I'd have to be able to explain it to myself before I have any hope of letting another person know why or how that particular quirk evolved. It just IS to me, and it's perfectly normal from where I sit. There have been many occasions I've had my feelings hurt in various blogs or chat-room comments because I am so one track mind about it. Some people don't understand that narrowness of interest, or the tunnel-vision I experience fighting my way through each and every day. And the good news is, I get over it pretty fast because I don't expect anyone else to understand how I operate. Really, how could they unless I ran around whining about me, me, me all the time?
I realize the cyclone of information that twirls around inside my head whenever I approach something would probably sound exhausting to other people if I described it, and it really can be sometimes. There are days I fall into bed at night and could almost cry because it's finally dark and silent and it's just what I need. There are other days where life is overwhelming right from the jump and I hide away for hours in a room with a laptop and a good book. Again, I know no other way of being so it's something I have to deal with. There is a constant battle that goes on inside my head over what I think is "normal" and what isn't. It's a coping mechanism that allows me to be perceived by people I meet on the sidewalk as "just like them".
One of the reasons I like the radio on occasion, is that each song I've heard over the course of my life recalls a distinct time and place, even a smell or emotion. It allows me to step outside of the moment I'm in and wander off into my history and "my world," which can be an immense stress reliever. Strangely enough, the only time I break out of my routines and do something different (like turning on the radio or listening to 'Madama Butterfly' rather than hitting the same button on the CD player) is when I'm over stressed and I've exhausted my go-to-list of usual chaos blockers. Songs can be akin to reading a book--a grisly haunting or an eastern beach, depending on what a person needs--because a good song will tell a story before the last beat rolls around. Sometimes, not making sense makes sense.
Music can be a lifeline, a friend, an aspiration, a nemesis, an art, a science, an emotion, a million other things....to absolutely anyone, not just this girl.
I realize the cyclone of information that twirls around inside my head whenever I approach something would probably sound exhausting to other people if I described it, and it really can be sometimes. There are days I fall into bed at night and could almost cry because it's finally dark and silent and it's just what I need. There are other days where life is overwhelming right from the jump and I hide away for hours in a room with a laptop and a good book. Again, I know no other way of being so it's something I have to deal with. There is a constant battle that goes on inside my head over what I think is "normal" and what isn't. It's a coping mechanism that allows me to be perceived by people I meet on the sidewalk as "just like them".
One of the reasons I like the radio on occasion, is that each song I've heard over the course of my life recalls a distinct time and place, even a smell or emotion. It allows me to step outside of the moment I'm in and wander off into my history and "my world," which can be an immense stress reliever. Strangely enough, the only time I break out of my routines and do something different (like turning on the radio or listening to 'Madama Butterfly' rather than hitting the same button on the CD player) is when I'm over stressed and I've exhausted my go-to-list of usual chaos blockers. Songs can be akin to reading a book--a grisly haunting or an eastern beach, depending on what a person needs--because a good song will tell a story before the last beat rolls around. Sometimes, not making sense makes sense.
Music can be a lifeline, a friend, an aspiration, a nemesis, an art, a science, an emotion, a million other things....to absolutely anyone, not just this girl.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
November 13th, 2010
Since my main focus in life is writing fiction, we all know I have to talk about it. So, I'm going to wax poetic with abandon and zero apology since you haven't had to listen to me ramble yet...
When I started writing three years ago, I had no clue how awful I was. Really, I read and reread the stuff and simply could not see why it didn't work. I'm going to tell you straight away, that's pretty normal in itself. I think the majority of my experience with learning the craft of writing follows a predictable time line. The writing I'm doing now is far and above what I produced then--through countless hours of practice--but we'll get to that later. Right now I want to talk about what I think are the hardest parts of any creative endeavor, and also why autistic people can be so good at them.
Predictably, my first crushing reality check came the first time I let someone read one of my stories. Criticism is not my kind of hang-around-pal to begin with, but it kept showing up on my doorstep nonetheless. There was a set of skills I had to learn, I soon realized, if I wanted to be able to interact with other writers enough to improve my work. If I have to admit it, writing finally taught me to better accept criticism in all aspects of my life. If I have to admit to the fact a group of writers taught me to temper my habit of seeing things as black and white, and learn to appreciate more gray in the world (even at age thirty-six), I have no problem doing to that, either. How did those two things happen? A year ago, I found myself a new writer-friendly web home and water cooler. Because it wasn't a face to face group with a bunch of strangers, the real challenge in the beginning was, I had to be "nice" or I'd get booted.
Nice was not something I'd been much of the time, and I could have cared less about it, but now, nice is something I'll carry with me for the rest of my life. I was there to learn so I played by the rules. Most people are capable of polite and I certainly was, too, but I was't the type of person to hand out web hugs and say flowery things before I was a member of that community. I certainly wasn't the type of person to filter my thoughts--it was just as likely I'd kick the garbage cans on a sidewalk or tell someone I thought they were a useless *expletive*. I'd have chewed my own arm off rather than NOT tell a perfect stranger exactly what I thought if the urge struck me, and that's only because a mouthful of arm was likely the only thing that would shut me up. So there's another few tools picked up on the fly that I need if I want to get by in publishing--my interactions there had, and still have, just as much to do with writing books as they do with learning to be.
Beyond criticism, warm-fuzzy feelings, and learning to shut my trap when I disagree, there are things more powerful I happen to still be learning. Those first few rounds of critiques made me realize I'm a rusher when I tell a story--I tended to be that way in my real life so it made sense to me when it came up. The hyper focus and accuracy which is often common to people with autism is no different when trying to create a piece of literature. It doesn't necessarily want to bend to possibility; it doesn't want to give in to things unnecessary or descriptive; it serves the Gods of Utility. Even when I write these blogs, I have to start them a day or two in advance so I have enough time to go back and expand upon the ideas I present. It's often said that autistic people have a hard time imagining things. For my part, I have an unusual imagination that tends to be stubborn when called upon. The inside of my brain is a place of crazy snapshots and made up words and awe inspiring sounds, but they don't want to build a story. Words, one after the other, through trial and error, are the only way for me to do that just like anyone else. But slowing down in my judgments, how I express myself, how I approach a problem, have all been good things for me. Patience is skill I've picked up on in spades.
In my early fiction, I left out huge chunks of the most important ingredient--the characters. They were one dimensional by far and lacked realistic emotional responses (it's probably not hard to imagine why that was). The only way for me to cure the ailment was to learn "people" again and I dove straight into the assignment. Once an idea strikes me, there can be a lot of fun in realizing there's a new view of an assumed thing waiting for me to find it, so that keeps it from seeming like work. It removes the drudgery another person might see as a hassle and it becomes a challenge.
For all the years of people watching I'd done, I had a set perimeter of things I chose to notice. While I'm uncanny at spotting when someone's cut off half an inch of their hair, and know by heart what kind of beer they drink on what day, or the fact they always order a tuna sandwich with pickles at a certain restaurant, there are important things I was oblivious to. And while I do pay attention to facial expression and voice fluctuation, I never qualified those sort of things in concert with the way those people reacted emotionally and mentally to changes in conversation topics or bits of information they'd not heard yet. I never made a real effort to "feel" people unless their emotions were obvious and slapped me in the face; anger, despair, elation, etc. Those small shifts in response as things progress are just as important to building a particular character as knowing the guy in the bowler hat smokes a pipe and likes pineapple candy. Writing has helped me to understand the subtleties of the human condition.
It took reading endless stacks of books in an entirely new way for me to understand what actually happens in those seemingly endless pages of a novel. What one person can meander through like a winding country road, I want to ride a rocket straight through so I can get from point A to point B.....because it's efficient and makes the most sense, right?
Right?
SO not right.
Good fiction, as I've come to understand it, is like a dance when it begins. It's not only about the cast as they're printed in the program. One ballerina flits onto the stage and she spins and spins until you think she'll fall, and then a few more come streaming from behind the curtains. An orchestra strikes up and the violins play first, then the cellos. Before I know what's happened, half the night has passed--the kettle drums pound and the conductor is in a fervor and I'm watching the dancers leap and all the arms as they fly across the instruments and I see the people in the audience lean forward in their seats while the tops of their heads buzz with electricity, but....it's also completely silent. The only thing I really hear are the words slipping through the air and wandering away. They climbed in my eyes and stirred the hot soup in my brain and of course I set them free so I could move on to the next row. THAT is how I want to write, and I want to stick around until the show stops and it's time to turn down the lights and wander home, hands-in-pockets. There are too many things to miss if you don't keep to the show and stick it out.
I was really reluctant to share the following cluster of sentences, but I'm going to anyway because I decided this place would be my No Fear blog. I went through my old stuff and found something I typed into another blog I had back in 2005~
*This is the moment where you thank the flying spaghetti monster it's only going to be once today*
When I started writing three years ago, I had no clue how awful I was. Really, I read and reread the stuff and simply could not see why it didn't work. I'm going to tell you straight away, that's pretty normal in itself. I think the majority of my experience with learning the craft of writing follows a predictable time line. The writing I'm doing now is far and above what I produced then--through countless hours of practice--but we'll get to that later. Right now I want to talk about what I think are the hardest parts of any creative endeavor, and also why autistic people can be so good at them.
*Pardon me while I ramble--we'll get there*
Predictably, my first crushing reality check came the first time I let someone read one of my stories. Criticism is not my kind of hang-around-pal to begin with, but it kept showing up on my doorstep nonetheless. There was a set of skills I had to learn, I soon realized, if I wanted to be able to interact with other writers enough to improve my work. If I have to admit it, writing finally taught me to better accept criticism in all aspects of my life. If I have to admit to the fact a group of writers taught me to temper my habit of seeing things as black and white, and learn to appreciate more gray in the world (even at age thirty-six), I have no problem doing to that, either. How did those two things happen? A year ago, I found myself a new writer-friendly web home and water cooler. Because it wasn't a face to face group with a bunch of strangers, the real challenge in the beginning was, I had to be "nice" or I'd get booted.
Nice was not something I'd been much of the time, and I could have cared less about it, but now, nice is something I'll carry with me for the rest of my life. I was there to learn so I played by the rules. Most people are capable of polite and I certainly was, too, but I was't the type of person to hand out web hugs and say flowery things before I was a member of that community. I certainly wasn't the type of person to filter my thoughts--it was just as likely I'd kick the garbage cans on a sidewalk or tell someone I thought they were a useless *expletive*. I'd have chewed my own arm off rather than NOT tell a perfect stranger exactly what I thought if the urge struck me, and that's only because a mouthful of arm was likely the only thing that would shut me up. So there's another few tools picked up on the fly that I need if I want to get by in publishing--my interactions there had, and still have, just as much to do with writing books as they do with learning to be.
Beyond criticism, warm-fuzzy feelings, and learning to shut my trap when I disagree, there are things more powerful I happen to still be learning. Those first few rounds of critiques made me realize I'm a rusher when I tell a story--I tended to be that way in my real life so it made sense to me when it came up. The hyper focus and accuracy which is often common to people with autism is no different when trying to create a piece of literature. It doesn't necessarily want to bend to possibility; it doesn't want to give in to things unnecessary or descriptive; it serves the Gods of Utility. Even when I write these blogs, I have to start them a day or two in advance so I have enough time to go back and expand upon the ideas I present. It's often said that autistic people have a hard time imagining things. For my part, I have an unusual imagination that tends to be stubborn when called upon. The inside of my brain is a place of crazy snapshots and made up words and awe inspiring sounds, but they don't want to build a story. Words, one after the other, through trial and error, are the only way for me to do that just like anyone else. But slowing down in my judgments, how I express myself, how I approach a problem, have all been good things for me. Patience is skill I've picked up on in spades.
In my early fiction, I left out huge chunks of the most important ingredient--the characters. They were one dimensional by far and lacked realistic emotional responses (it's probably not hard to imagine why that was). The only way for me to cure the ailment was to learn "people" again and I dove straight into the assignment. Once an idea strikes me, there can be a lot of fun in realizing there's a new view of an assumed thing waiting for me to find it, so that keeps it from seeming like work. It removes the drudgery another person might see as a hassle and it becomes a challenge.
For all the years of people watching I'd done, I had a set perimeter of things I chose to notice. While I'm uncanny at spotting when someone's cut off half an inch of their hair, and know by heart what kind of beer they drink on what day, or the fact they always order a tuna sandwich with pickles at a certain restaurant, there are important things I was oblivious to. And while I do pay attention to facial expression and voice fluctuation, I never qualified those sort of things in concert with the way those people reacted emotionally and mentally to changes in conversation topics or bits of information they'd not heard yet. I never made a real effort to "feel" people unless their emotions were obvious and slapped me in the face; anger, despair, elation, etc. Those small shifts in response as things progress are just as important to building a particular character as knowing the guy in the bowler hat smokes a pipe and likes pineapple candy. Writing has helped me to understand the subtleties of the human condition.
It took reading endless stacks of books in an entirely new way for me to understand what actually happens in those seemingly endless pages of a novel. What one person can meander through like a winding country road, I want to ride a rocket straight through so I can get from point A to point B.....because it's efficient and makes the most sense, right?
Right?
SO not right.
Good fiction, as I've come to understand it, is like a dance when it begins. It's not only about the cast as they're printed in the program. One ballerina flits onto the stage and she spins and spins until you think she'll fall, and then a few more come streaming from behind the curtains. An orchestra strikes up and the violins play first, then the cellos. Before I know what's happened, half the night has passed--the kettle drums pound and the conductor is in a fervor and I'm watching the dancers leap and all the arms as they fly across the instruments and I see the people in the audience lean forward in their seats while the tops of their heads buzz with electricity, but....it's also completely silent. The only thing I really hear are the words slipping through the air and wandering away. They climbed in my eyes and stirred the hot soup in my brain and of course I set them free so I could move on to the next row. THAT is how I want to write, and I want to stick around until the show stops and it's time to turn down the lights and wander home, hands-in-pockets. There are too many things to miss if you don't keep to the show and stick it out.
I was really reluctant to share the following cluster of sentences, but I'm going to anyway because I decided this place would be my No Fear blog. I went through my old stuff and found something I typed into another blog I had back in 2005~
I have to tell you all because i'm honest . Gee-willakers. Here is the crux. I usually love to paint. More than I love other things. I have no art training though.
Golly Gee indeed! ( I still cannot believe I said that) Was that as painful for you to read as it was for me to share? Needless to say, I've come a long way since those early days of crux. I think one blessing that can be pulled from having Aspergers is my ability to rapidly absorb information. For a girl who couldn't diagram a sentence in grade school (and I still can't, mind you) I don't think I'm doing too shabby. But ultimately, my opinions about what makes autistic people so good with creative endeavors have little to do with skill and everything to do with communication. It's not surprising to me whatsoever that the internet opened up new worlds for me. I was incredibly solitary and limited in my exposure to new ideas before I got online. One of the reasons I chose writing to begin with was the realization that I could say all the things in my head on the screen better than I could face to face (though I admit, that has also greatly improved).
The best part? *Gasp* There were actual people out there willing to read what I had to say!
The best part? *Gasp* There were actual people out there willing to read what I had to say!
I don't know the kind of frustration a person who can't speak feels. I'm very high functioning nowadays so it's not impossible for me to carry on a conversation with my neighbor or the gas station attendant, even if it's uncomfortable at times. But people speak the things they can't say, and transfer the emotions they feel but can't express, through words and painting and music all the time. Colors mean different things to different people just as sounds do. We all pick out separate details when we look at the autumn leaves drifting from a tree. While many people write off that visual as simple and think, "Huh, pretty," I can get stuck watching them fall, seeing the way they dance together toward the ground and find a pattern where there is none. Imagining them finally free from the place they were stuck, finally able to meet each other on the ground, finally able to touch and not be so alone. The metaphors and similes any author uses relate to the way a thing was/can be perceived, or the way they want a reader to visualize/feel.
It's the tidal wave of information I constantly absorb and how I relate the data that enables me to write fiction, not my stubborn imagination. I'm still able to create a unique picture from the words I choose when I stop and dig through the Filofax in my head--and those words absolutely do relate to my experience as a human being with a warm, beating heart. It's true that I can't speak for other people as to their creative process, but again, it's not hard to imagine mine is very different from another person who has an Autism Spectrum Disorder. We sometimes communicate emotions that aren't obvious, because from the outside it may appear as though we don't always have them, but we definitely do in our own way. The world needs only to hush and sit in their chairs so the orchestra can start to play, and then they'll feel them, too.
It's the tidal wave of information I constantly absorb and how I relate the data that enables me to write fiction, not my stubborn imagination. I'm still able to create a unique picture from the words I choose when I stop and dig through the Filofax in my head--and those words absolutely do relate to my experience as a human being with a warm, beating heart. It's true that I can't speak for other people as to their creative process, but again, it's not hard to imagine mine is very different from another person who has an Autism Spectrum Disorder. We sometimes communicate emotions that aren't obvious, because from the outside it may appear as though we don't always have them, but we definitely do in our own way. The world needs only to hush and sit in their chairs so the orchestra can start to play, and then they'll feel them, too.
Friday, November 12, 2010
November 12th, 2010
This is an Aspie quiz that can be found online. I suggest doing this if you suspect you may have Aspergers. The results can help you make the decision whether to seek a further professional diagnosis or not. (And, we all know this test means kibosh in the real world, right? Okay, carry on)
My own score (for comparison) was as follows:
Your Aspie score: 163 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 55 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie
Aspie talent
This group contains intellectually related Aspie traits. Typical traits are related to interests (e.g. having strong interests; hyper focusing; having periods of contemplation; collecting information; good long term memory related to interests; figuring out how things work; making connections between things; strong-willed; stubborn). Other traits are related to information processing (e.g. noticing details; finding patterns; unusual imagination; solving problems in unusual ways; unique ideas). Some people have special talents (e.g. numbers; language; computers; music).
Diagnostic relation
None, but a high score is related to giftedness.
Your group score: 9.7 of 10 (above average).
Neurotypical talent
This group contains neurotypical intellectual talents. Often these are defined in terms of Aspie disabilities. Typical traits seem to be adaptations to cooperative living (e.g. giving and remembering verbal instructions; learning from others; describing events; summarizing events; taking notes; keeping track of several conversations; learning things on demand; learning by imitation). Other traits include multitasking and attention (e.g. doing several things at the same time; rapidly shifting focus; getting back to things quickly), getting a quick picture of one’s environment (e.g. generalizing; getting the overall picture), remembering where things are, grasping abstract concepts and organizing daily life.
Diagnostic relation
No direct, but many diagnoses like ADD/ADHD seem to be related to a low score
Your group score: 1.7 of 10 (below average).
Aspie compulsion
This group contains obsessive and compulsive Aspie traits. Typical of this group is a preference for sameness (e.g. routines; lists; schedules; sitting on the same seat; going to the same shop; wearing the same clothes; eating the same food; always doing things in the same way). Related traits include getting frustrated when interrupted and a need to prepare oneself before doing new things. Some people have strong attachments to objects and like to collect and organize things and may need precision or symmetry.
Diagnostic relation
A high score is related to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).
Your group score: 9.3 of 10 (above average).
Neurotypical compulsion
This group contains socially related compulsive traits. Key traits are to enjoy social interaction (e.g. meeting people; involving others; games; crowds; large social networks; hosting events; being a leader; gossip; cheering). Other traits are related to social conformity (e.g. having views typical of peer group; preferring to socialize with others of the same age and gender; interest for fashions; wearing jewellery; wearing makeup; taking pride in ones appearance, style, image and identity; status seeking; climbing hierarchies).
Diagnostic relation
None.
Your group score: 2.3 of 10 (below average).
Aspie social
This group contain Aspie social traits. Important traits are a highly variable activity level with higher than normal motivation threshold. Other traits include atypical relationship & courtship preferences (partner obsessions; not giving up on relationships; preference for friends of the opposite gender) and sexual preferences. Unusual eating and sleeping patterns as well as having a hard time with authorities and social hierarchy are other traits.
Diagnostic relation
A high score is related to ADD/ADHD, Bipolar and ODD.
Your group score: 7.4 of 10 (above average).
Neurotypical social
This group contains neurotypical social traits. The absence of the traits is often described as a dysfunction. Key traits are adaptations for living in changing social groups (e.g. smalltalk; social chitchat; shaking hands; saying ‘hi’, ‘thank you’ and ‘sorry’). Related traits are adaptations for socializing with strangers (e.g. being comfortable with strangers; enjoying talking face-to-face with strangers; maintaining large social networks; easy to get to know; talking in public; enjoying uninvited guests). Other traits are related to friendships and relationships and expressing feelings in typical ways (e.g. making and maintaining friendships and relationships; looking at people you talk to; enjoying hugs and touch; being emotionally close to others; describing and talking about feelings) and cooperation with others (e.g. using others expertise; working while being observed).
Diagnostic relation
A low score is related to Social Phobia.
Your group score: 1.4 of 10 (below average).
Aspie communication
This group contains communication related Aspie traits. Key traits in this group are related to atypical nonverbal communication (e.g. odd facial expressions; odd posture; odd prosody; being accused of staring; using unusual sounds in conversations; blinking or rolling eyes; clenching fists; grinding teeth; thrusting tongue; blushing). Related traits are stims (e.g. wringing hands; rubbing hands; twirling fingers; rocking; tapping eyes; pressing eyes; fiddling with things; pacing; flapping hands; biting self or others; chewing on things; picking scabs; peeling skin flakes; examining hair of others; singing). Tics are also here and are often confused with stims (e.g. stuttering; sniffing; snorting; coughing; echolalia; echopraxia). Other traits include general communication differences (e.g. not verbalizing thoughts; talking softly or loudly; turning words around; talking to oneself; odd pronunciation; not separating ‘I’, ‘we’ and ‘you’). Some people also prefer to look a lot at people they like and not at all at people they dislike.
Diagnostic relation
A high score is sometimes related to Tourette, but the primary relation is with stimming and unusual communication.
Your group score: 6.3 of 10 (average).
Neurotypical communication
This group contains typical nonverbal communication traits. A key trait is the ability to interpret and show typical nonverbal communication (e.g. facial expressions; body language; courtship; timing; reciprocity; turn-taking; prosody). The absence of these abilities lead to secondary problems (e.g. unaware of how to behave; unaware of boundaries; being misunderstood; missing hidden agendas; being unaware of others intentions; misinterpreting figures of speech, idioms and allegories; literal interpretation; not knowing when to apologize; saying inappropriate things; seemingly poor empathy).
Diagnostic relation
A low score is related to Autism Spectrum Conditions (ASC)
Your group score: 2.3 of 10 (below average).
Aspie hunting
This group contains passive hunting traits. One part of the traits is related to preferred habitats (e.g. slowly flowing water; caves; woods; liking mist or fog). Another part seems to be close-contact hunting traits (e.g. jumping over things; climbing; chasing animals; biting; enjoying spinning in circles; strong grip; strong hands; physical endurance; enjoying rodeo riders). Some other traits are related to sneaking (e.g. sneaking through the woods; sneaking up on animals; walking on toes) and general hunting tactics (e.g. mimicking animal sounds; digging; throwing small things; building traps; fascination for fire; sniffing)
Diagnostic relation
None.
Your group score: 4.7 of 10 (average).
Neurotypical hunting
The traits in this group are related to cooperative hunting. These traits are often described in terms of dysfunctions. Typical traits are recollections of environmental information (e.g. positions of things; scores in games; order of words, letters and digits; map reading) and passing on information to others (e.g. passing on messages; knowing left from right; dates and times of events; remembering appointments and events; reading clocks and calendars; carrying over information between contexts). Other traits are related to trading and exchange with others (e.g. calculating change from a purchase; knowing what to bring to appointments; remembering sequences of past events; remembering formulas; filling out forms).
Diagnostic relation
A low score is related to Dyslexia and Dyscalculia.
Your group score: 4.3 of 10 (average).
Aspie perception
This group contains perception-related Aspie traits. These traits commonly become disabilities, but their core seems to be more sensitive senses (e.g. touch; sound; tactile; smell; taste; light and glare; humidity; changes in air pressure; wind; heat; electromagnetic fields) or less sensitive senses (e.g. pain). Related to this are instinctual reactions to sensory information (e.g. being distracted by sounds; being afraid of motor-bikes; being afraid of floods or fast running streams; disliking stomping). Other traits are difficulty filtering out speech from background noise and using peripheral vision.
Diagnostic relation
No direct, but Autistics often have differences in perception.
Your group score: 9.8 of 10 (above average).
Neurotypical perception
This group contains neurotypical motor abilities and perception traits. The absence of these traits is often referred to as clumsiness. A key trait is the ability to interpret spatial information (e.g. judging distance, speed and acceleration; keeping track of positions of objects; predicting motion; concept of time; optimal pressure to apply). The absence of these skills leads to secondary problems (e.g. poor fine and gross motor skills; poor body awareness; poor body control; problems with ball sports; poor hand-eye coordination; poor balance; poor handwriting; dropping things).
Diagnostic relation
A low score is related to Dyspraxia.
Your group score: 5.0 of 10 (average).
Environment
This group contains traits that seem to be of environmental origin. Typical traits are related to stress and overload (e.g. shutting down; having a meltdown) and consequences of not fitting in (e.g. depression; being bullied; being taken advantage of; low self-esteem; suicidal thoughts; harming oneself; mood swings).
Diagnostic relation
A high score is related to many psychiatric diagnoses and is sometimes required in order to get a diagnosis.
Your group score: 8.8 of 10 (above average).
My own score (for comparison) was as follows:
Your Aspie score: 163 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 55 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie
Aspie talent
This group contains intellectually related Aspie traits. Typical traits are related to interests (e.g. having strong interests; hyper focusing; having periods of contemplation; collecting information; good long term memory related to interests; figuring out how things work; making connections between things; strong-willed; stubborn). Other traits are related to information processing (e.g. noticing details; finding patterns; unusual imagination; solving problems in unusual ways; unique ideas). Some people have special talents (e.g. numbers; language; computers; music).
Diagnostic relation
None, but a high score is related to giftedness.
Your group score: 9.7 of 10 (above average).
Neurotypical talent
This group contains neurotypical intellectual talents. Often these are defined in terms of Aspie disabilities. Typical traits seem to be adaptations to cooperative living (e.g. giving and remembering verbal instructions; learning from others; describing events; summarizing events; taking notes; keeping track of several conversations; learning things on demand; learning by imitation). Other traits include multitasking and attention (e.g. doing several things at the same time; rapidly shifting focus; getting back to things quickly), getting a quick picture of one’s environment (e.g. generalizing; getting the overall picture), remembering where things are, grasping abstract concepts and organizing daily life.
Diagnostic relation
No direct, but many diagnoses like ADD/ADHD seem to be related to a low score
Your group score: 1.7 of 10 (below average).
Aspie compulsion
This group contains obsessive and compulsive Aspie traits. Typical of this group is a preference for sameness (e.g. routines; lists; schedules; sitting on the same seat; going to the same shop; wearing the same clothes; eating the same food; always doing things in the same way). Related traits include getting frustrated when interrupted and a need to prepare oneself before doing new things. Some people have strong attachments to objects and like to collect and organize things and may need precision or symmetry.
Diagnostic relation
A high score is related to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).
Your group score: 9.3 of 10 (above average).
Neurotypical compulsion
This group contains socially related compulsive traits. Key traits are to enjoy social interaction (e.g. meeting people; involving others; games; crowds; large social networks; hosting events; being a leader; gossip; cheering). Other traits are related to social conformity (e.g. having views typical of peer group; preferring to socialize with others of the same age and gender; interest for fashions; wearing jewellery; wearing makeup; taking pride in ones appearance, style, image and identity; status seeking; climbing hierarchies).
Diagnostic relation
None.
Your group score: 2.3 of 10 (below average).
Aspie social
This group contain Aspie social traits. Important traits are a highly variable activity level with higher than normal motivation threshold. Other traits include atypical relationship & courtship preferences (partner obsessions; not giving up on relationships; preference for friends of the opposite gender) and sexual preferences. Unusual eating and sleeping patterns as well as having a hard time with authorities and social hierarchy are other traits.
Diagnostic relation
A high score is related to ADD/ADHD, Bipolar and ODD.
Your group score: 7.4 of 10 (above average).
Neurotypical social
This group contains neurotypical social traits. The absence of the traits is often described as a dysfunction. Key traits are adaptations for living in changing social groups (e.g. smalltalk; social chitchat; shaking hands; saying ‘hi’, ‘thank you’ and ‘sorry’). Related traits are adaptations for socializing with strangers (e.g. being comfortable with strangers; enjoying talking face-to-face with strangers; maintaining large social networks; easy to get to know; talking in public; enjoying uninvited guests). Other traits are related to friendships and relationships and expressing feelings in typical ways (e.g. making and maintaining friendships and relationships; looking at people you talk to; enjoying hugs and touch; being emotionally close to others; describing and talking about feelings) and cooperation with others (e.g. using others expertise; working while being observed).
Diagnostic relation
A low score is related to Social Phobia.
Your group score: 1.4 of 10 (below average).
Aspie communication
This group contains communication related Aspie traits. Key traits in this group are related to atypical nonverbal communication (e.g. odd facial expressions; odd posture; odd prosody; being accused of staring; using unusual sounds in conversations; blinking or rolling eyes; clenching fists; grinding teeth; thrusting tongue; blushing). Related traits are stims (e.g. wringing hands; rubbing hands; twirling fingers; rocking; tapping eyes; pressing eyes; fiddling with things; pacing; flapping hands; biting self or others; chewing on things; picking scabs; peeling skin flakes; examining hair of others; singing). Tics are also here and are often confused with stims (e.g. stuttering; sniffing; snorting; coughing; echolalia; echopraxia). Other traits include general communication differences (e.g. not verbalizing thoughts; talking softly or loudly; turning words around; talking to oneself; odd pronunciation; not separating ‘I’, ‘we’ and ‘you’). Some people also prefer to look a lot at people they like and not at all at people they dislike.
Diagnostic relation
A high score is sometimes related to Tourette, but the primary relation is with stimming and unusual communication.
Your group score: 6.3 of 10 (average).
Neurotypical communication
This group contains typical nonverbal communication traits. A key trait is the ability to interpret and show typical nonverbal communication (e.g. facial expressions; body language; courtship; timing; reciprocity; turn-taking; prosody). The absence of these abilities lead to secondary problems (e.g. unaware of how to behave; unaware of boundaries; being misunderstood; missing hidden agendas; being unaware of others intentions; misinterpreting figures of speech, idioms and allegories; literal interpretation; not knowing when to apologize; saying inappropriate things; seemingly poor empathy).
Diagnostic relation
A low score is related to Autism Spectrum Conditions (ASC)
Your group score: 2.3 of 10 (below average).
Aspie hunting
This group contains passive hunting traits. One part of the traits is related to preferred habitats (e.g. slowly flowing water; caves; woods; liking mist or fog). Another part seems to be close-contact hunting traits (e.g. jumping over things; climbing; chasing animals; biting; enjoying spinning in circles; strong grip; strong hands; physical endurance; enjoying rodeo riders). Some other traits are related to sneaking (e.g. sneaking through the woods; sneaking up on animals; walking on toes) and general hunting tactics (e.g. mimicking animal sounds; digging; throwing small things; building traps; fascination for fire; sniffing)
Diagnostic relation
None.
Your group score: 4.7 of 10 (average).
Neurotypical hunting
The traits in this group are related to cooperative hunting. These traits are often described in terms of dysfunctions. Typical traits are recollections of environmental information (e.g. positions of things; scores in games; order of words, letters and digits; map reading) and passing on information to others (e.g. passing on messages; knowing left from right; dates and times of events; remembering appointments and events; reading clocks and calendars; carrying over information between contexts). Other traits are related to trading and exchange with others (e.g. calculating change from a purchase; knowing what to bring to appointments; remembering sequences of past events; remembering formulas; filling out forms).
Diagnostic relation
A low score is related to Dyslexia and Dyscalculia.
Your group score: 4.3 of 10 (average).
Aspie perception
This group contains perception-related Aspie traits. These traits commonly become disabilities, but their core seems to be more sensitive senses (e.g. touch; sound; tactile; smell; taste; light and glare; humidity; changes in air pressure; wind; heat; electromagnetic fields) or less sensitive senses (e.g. pain). Related to this are instinctual reactions to sensory information (e.g. being distracted by sounds; being afraid of motor-bikes; being afraid of floods or fast running streams; disliking stomping). Other traits are difficulty filtering out speech from background noise and using peripheral vision.
Diagnostic relation
No direct, but Autistics often have differences in perception.
Your group score: 9.8 of 10 (above average).
Neurotypical perception
This group contains neurotypical motor abilities and perception traits. The absence of these traits is often referred to as clumsiness. A key trait is the ability to interpret spatial information (e.g. judging distance, speed and acceleration; keeping track of positions of objects; predicting motion; concept of time; optimal pressure to apply). The absence of these skills leads to secondary problems (e.g. poor fine and gross motor skills; poor body awareness; poor body control; problems with ball sports; poor hand-eye coordination; poor balance; poor handwriting; dropping things).
Diagnostic relation
A low score is related to Dyspraxia.
Your group score: 5.0 of 10 (average).
Environment
This group contains traits that seem to be of environmental origin. Typical traits are related to stress and overload (e.g. shutting down; having a meltdown) and consequences of not fitting in (e.g. depression; being bullied; being taken advantage of; low self-esteem; suicidal thoughts; harming oneself; mood swings).
Diagnostic relation
A high score is related to many psychiatric diagnoses and is sometimes required in order to get a diagnosis.
Your group score: 8.8 of 10 (above average).
Thursday, November 11, 2010
November 11th, 2010
*I decided to bypass my scheduled posting and put this out there a day early*
I've been thinking about what the last four posts on "Female Asperger Syndrome Traits" mean to me, and what I'm going to say about them as a whole in this blog entry. The answers aren't easy ones to flesh out, but I hope you'll stick with my ramblings while I weave through them.
I found Aspergers 36 years after it found me. So while the last year has been very freeing for me in so many ways, and while I'm incredibly grateful for that, I still struggle with bitterness on occasion. There's a desire to reach back through the years and throttle the people responsible for my early development. A mother who ignored me and gave up, a school system that ignored me and gave up, a father who did the same and many other adults I was told wouldn't abandon me. Those are very painful things to face. While the diagnosis wasn't available when I was a child, I now have children and do everything in my power to shape and mold them and assure they are equipped for adult life. I was failed on so many levels by so many people it's ridiculous.
It's not in my nature to be a negative person--the people who have known me will tell you that I'm actually a really great cheerleader. But when you've gone through three and a half decades of finger-pointing, name-calling, blame; when you've not been taken seriously when you tell those who are supposed to be able to help you that there's something wrong; when you've finally given up because you must be nuts and dysfunctional and it's all in your head (which is the greatest irony), well, a person can fold into a little ball and hide in a corner and never want to come out again. That was me, and it still is me in some ways, no matter what the rest of the world thinks they see in my smile.
Finding out I had Aspergers wasn't a Get Out of Jail Free card. It's going to take a lot of work to heal the wounds and peel off the the trunk labels glued all over me. If I had to give you a mental picture of what my emotional state looks like, it would be just that~
A nine year-old child zapped of all it's energy, full of big stickers that say "Bitch, Mean, Snob, Anti-social, Trouble, Argumentative, Stubborn, Cry-baby, Loser," and 100 more. A child who looks like it got hit one too many times with a bat and ducks every time someone raises an arm. A child that finally crawled into a sewer grate to save itself as a last ditch effort and lives alone in the cold and muck and stench, and thinks that's perfectly fine and safe.
Does that sound like the type of thing a person would choose to feel about themselves? I sure hope not, and my heart now goes out to any person who readily believes that type of negativity about themselves. I have a very hard time believing that sort of severity in judgment applies to anyone anymore (Hitlers and Dahmers of the world aside). If I'm anything at all, I'm a fighter, and I will find a way to get those labels off and crawl back out in the sun. It's not a question of "Can I do it?" but "When will I get there?"
Do I think the bats are all gone, or that no one will ever raise one over their head intending to strike? Not for one damn minute. The world isn't going to be any kinder just because there's a better sticker laying on a table, another term to slap on my forehead when I resurface--I'm not that naive. Now, I realize that in itself may sound defeatist but it's not meant to be at all. It's a mental preparation akin to shin guards for my frontal lobe and a helmet for my squishy cortex. I doubt that the rest of my life is going to be shiny and happy and easy "all of a sudden" just because there's finally an answer. I have 36 years of cracks in my psyche to Spackle up, and while many people would say "Look ahead, let that stuff go, it doesn't matter now," I am incapable of compliance with those types of statements.
Another visual if you will~ Let's say a line of dump trucks drops tons of LEGOs in a field and tells a farmer to build three silos. So the farmer sets to building his three grain silos out of LEGOs. Well, 36 years later, the men with the dump trucks come back, shake their heads, and say, "Sorry sir, we meant missile silos. Didn't know you were a farmer."
That may seem totally defeating as well, but it isn't. No one in their right mind is going to spend another 36 years trying to build something they have zero experience with. They're going to go out and get blueprints and find some people who know what the heck they're doing. It's also likely they'll realize that these things are a lot easier and a lot quicker if you don't build them alone.
My peace will come from research, analyzing the data I have, and applying new methods. Honestly, I've been very reluctant to dive in and do the reading I want to do on the subject or get involved in the communities that can help me to start rebuilding, but that in itself is also a process. I know that once I commit it will mean exposing all those soft places I've learned to heavily guard. I'll have to deconstruct many of the world views I've taken on to use as buffers between me and the "real world" (whatever that's supposed to mean). I won't be able to blame "them" anymore. And those are all very safe things for me. My inability to function in, and interact with, the world around me will fall onto my shoulders because I already know it's not a "stupid place filled with idiotic people." That's just the 8-track I allowed to play in my head until it became my truth. If I take the time to think about it instead of throwing a dirty blanket over all of humanity, I've met more nice people than I've met nasty ones.
Some of the best/worst conversations I've had involve that enormous concept called potential. Yes, I do know what I'm capable of on an intellectual level, but to be honest with you, who cares? If a person isn't functioning well enough socially/emotionally/mentally to be able to apply that to anything, what does it matter? For every person who ever said, "you'd be rich and do great things if you would just apply yourself," I have news for you...that isn't always true. I have applied myself and failed miserably. But my future isn't ruled by the patterns I lived in those first three and a half decades. I can do anything I set my mind to--once I discover a way in which I can do what needs to be done to accomplish the task--and I will find the tools I need to accomplish those things I want for myself. My future requires me to find a way to deal with the aspects of Aspergers that aren't so shiny, that aren't quite so easy as the next guy saying, "Hey, I'm going to college to be an engineer," and then, you know, just doing it. I'm not over thinking things because by nature I'm an over-thinker and that won't change, nor do I ever want it to. That ability to break things apart and roll them around and analyze each piece of information makes me a great puzzle solver and also a person who can see every side of a thing/situation/issue/etc.
Basically, finding Aspergers has given me the one vital thing my life was missing when you talk about something like unfulfilled potential: Hope.
Before I knew, those labels were there and I let them be. Before I knew, I was living in a sewer. Now? The best parts of me have permission to come out of hiding and shine. It's definitely going to take some time to reorganize how I interact with the world around me, but there's hope now and the knowledge it can be done. I realize Aspies are like snowflakes and no two people who have this particular syndrome are the same. This blog entry isn't meant to be a treatise on the experience by any means; I can only speak for me and my experience. But I also know my journey is not hard to understand because this diagnosis wasn't something that happened for people back in the 70's. I'm certainly not the only one sitting back and thinking, "Finally! A formula!"
I said to a friend recently, "We only get one trip on this spinning mudball--and to spend one second of it afraid or hiding is a disservice to the human experience and to that light that still fights to live in the darkest parts of us," because that's the mantra I've taken on. It would be an egregious disservice to myself and the gift of life I was given to hide away from the world and never try. There is definitely a light that still shines in the darkest aspects of my years of neglect and abuse and subsequent failures, and I want that faint spark to grow into a blinding light. There are so many amazing talents I was given that are typical to someone with Aspergers. My inability to communicate properly with the world around me translates into something beautiful on the page (I could never have spoken this to someone). The way I see the world around me makes for wonderfully unique abstract art. I am very intelligent and I've done some amazing things with it in my lifetime. There may be weakness, but there is also incredible strength and tenacity and a burning desire to discover and absorb faster than I can read or click a link or watch a program.
To wrap things up~ The four pages on Female Asperger Syndrome Traits I talked about are not a definition of my life, but a mode of living I've used up until this point. I had to understand my nature before I was able to clearly see the things that do work for me and the things that have worked against me. Traits that may have been obvious for another person to recognize in themselves had to be worked out and approached in a way I could see them in conjunction with each other and for what they are. If those pages are anything, they're a map. I plan to draw a new map for myself, on my terms, using the best tools I can find--because somewhere in all those rocky paths and seemingly insurmountable hills, is a Wonderland waiting to be discovered.
To wrap things up~ The four pages on Female Asperger Syndrome Traits I talked about are not a definition of my life, but a mode of living I've used up until this point. I had to understand my nature before I was able to clearly see the things that do work for me and the things that have worked against me. Traits that may have been obvious for another person to recognize in themselves had to be worked out and approached in a way I could see them in conjunction with each other and for what they are. If those pages are anything, they're a map. I plan to draw a new map for myself, on my terms, using the best tools I can find--because somewhere in all those rocky paths and seemingly insurmountable hills, is a Wonderland waiting to be discovered.
November 11th, 2010
*Female Asperger Syndrome Traits*
Social/Relationships
~Words and actions are sometimes misunderstood by other people. *Yes*
I've run into this a lot over the years. The only way I can explain why my actions and reactions appear inconsistent is this~ Whenever I look at a situation, there are building blocks there which create a whole. Two situations can appear to be entirely similar to someone else, but probably won't look that way to me. It would be like changing one word in a long paragraph, and to most people it's going to be insignificant, but the word stands out to someone like me and changes the scope of all the words. That, in turn, also changes the way I react to things and explains why I can ignore one situation and get totally riled up about the other. Just as likely, when I try to deconstruct an idea and explain it, I'll pass along the wrong building block of information or a thought out of order because I'm so busy trying to release them in a particular order. I'm thinking while I'm talking, I'm thinking while you're talking, and it takes time sort through all the info and put it in it's proper place.
~Perceived to be cold-natured or self-centered; unfriendly. *Yes*
I've had pals of mine reprimand me for the way I've treated their other friends I didn't know. I'm nowhere near openly trustful of anyone I meet and typically analyze them rather than interact with them. For people I've gotten to know, I'm a regular love-monkey and obscenely loyal, even to the exclusion of right and wrong. My friends are incredibly hard won and I'm willing to go ten rounds in a ring on their behalf. I rarely have more than one real-life pal I regularly do things with, but I have probably twenty people I know very well online because this type of interaction fits my limits for exposure to sensory input. I'm more thankful for the internet than most things.
~Is very outspoken sometimes. May get fired up while talking about passions/obsessive interests. *Yes*
I'm also very thankful for my writer friends who can talk for an hour just about commas. That's a lifesaver. But I don't want anyone to think finding an outlet makes other aspects of this particular problem easier. The last thing my grandmother said to me before she died was, "You talk to loud." Yeah, that one sucked. I'm not sure people realize the sting of wanting to be like everyone else but constantly screwing it up.
~Can be very shy or mute. *Sort of*
I don't think I'm shy at all. In fact, I have no problem being center stage and have done my fair share of getting the party started. This ties in to my chameleon nature very well. I'm not sure I can define why this happens from one situation to the next, but there are times I'm very comfortable and outgoing and times I'm incredibly reserved and uncomfortable and can't think of a single thing to say. It's not that in one case I'm with friends, and in the other I'm with strangers. There is absolutely zero consistency there. For whatever reason, half the time I'm in any situation my brain shuts down entirely, and in the other half you can't shut me up. Who knows?
~Will shut down in social situations, especially when overloaded, but is generally better socializing in small doses. *Yes, Yes, and YES*
I finally did some reading on introversion this year and it was a life-saver. I put up with years of people begging me to go out and giving me the old, "aw, you're no fun," garbage. You know what? I'm tons of fun, but on my own terms. I do very well with a few people I know on my back porch having a few beers. That, to me, is the ultimate Friday evening. When I was in my twenties and went to clubs with friends, I hated it. It was just as likely I'd be hiding in the bathroom when someone went to look for me, as it would be to find me outside having a smoke. I will go out to places like that on occasion, but it's probably once a year if that. I'm not even all that interested in going to restaurants and am perfectly happy using the drive-through. I used to joke that my idea of a perfect date was a six pack from the gas station and some Taco Bell. (It wasn't really a joke)
~Doesn't go out much (See above). Will prefer to go out with partner only or children if she has them. *Yes*
I hardly leave my house. I do go to the library on occasion and to the grocery store once a week, but that's it as far as self interest goes. The real fight is getting out with my kids. It's not that I don't want to do things with my children--it's about doing things "out there". My children need to toss a football in the yard and go to the park and I know it. It's a rough internal battle, but when I'm up to it I do it anyway, because the world doesn't revolve around me and my quirks.
~Will not have many girlfriends and will not do 'girly' things like shopping with them or have get-togethers to hang out. *Pretty much*
I'll have a couple people over to my house a few times a year but absolutely loathe the idea of going to a cook-out or a candle party at someone else's place if there's going to be a crowd. I never go to the mall with other women--I go there alone, get what I want, see some stuff, and go home. I will add that I haven't stepped into a mall in two years.
~Will have a close friend or friends in school, but not once adulthood is reached. *Yes*
The two girls I hung out with during grade school are G*d only knows where. I've moved around the country a lot, because for years, I never understood the misery was entirely inside me and not due to outside factors. Out of sight is out of mind to me, and I typically had one or two sturdy friends in any given town I've lived but I'm not in contact with any of them now.
~May or may not want to have a relationship. *Yes*
This by itself is a ridiculous facet. I think everyone on the planet may or may not want to have a relationship. Notably, for me, is the fact I've never had a successful one so I did stop trying altogether. I have no inclination to date because as nice as the beginnings are, I know how endings go. This is not to say I never get lonely, because I definitely do, I just know the payoff (for me) isn't worth the cost. I'm still forever hopeful that I'll pull myself into check and find a deeper understanding of the way I function so the possibility of having someone can be realized in the future. I fully admit to my share of the breakdown in any given relationship and I think it's because I'm able to look at the data from the outside rather than point my finger.
~If she likes a male, can be extremely, noticeably awkward in her attempts to let him know. May stare when she sees him or call repeatedly because she fixates. She doesn't understand societal gender roles. This will change with maturity. *Yes*
I still have this tendency on occasion, but as said, it has changed with maturity. I'm as close as you can get to "acting normal" in those situations. I actually went overboard to the point I usually feign disinterest for weeks or months because I've analyzed what makes 'em stay and what makes 'em go. *sigh* It's a real pity when your reactions to other people are calculated rather than genuine. When your reactions don't meld with the rest of society, you do have to moderate them if you want to be included.
~Often prefers the company of animals to humans. *Yes*
This is true without a doubt! I'm a total cat lover and can go for weeks without talking to people if left to my own devices. My friends get mad sometimes because I never call them--and it's true, I don't, they call me.
*This wraps up my four days of symptom talks. I'll post what it all means to me tomorrow*
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
November 10th, 2010
*Female Asperger Syndrome Traits*
Emotional/Physical
~Emotionally immature and emotionally sensitive. *Yes*
This is a hard one to write about. I've driven myself in circles for years trying to rationalize and justify my reactions to things and people because I never knew my reactions were normal for me. There were tremendous levels of guilt and self-loathing over my nature, and I have to say, hating yourself is no way to live. When I'm high stress (usually from too much social exposure) I tend to react irrationally when I get upset, even about minor things. I got fired from a job years ago for screaming "F*CK YOU!" at one of my bosses. Would I take that back? Sure. It's not exactly professional behavior. But in that moment, I was a champagne bottle someone shook up in a paint can machine at a hardware store. I'm just as likely to pop off a couple times a day, albeit in small doses. I'm raising kids, and while I love them to pieces and I'm a lot of fun, they do push the edges in on me. It's not uncommon for constructive criticism to make me give up on a thing for a time (sometimes a long time), before I understand the comments for what they are.
~Anxiety and fear are predominant emotions. *Yes*
Anxiety and fear are something I've learned to live with and most people don't even know it's there, but it churns just under my skin like a black ocean before a storm. I've had moments of fear that were nearly crippling. I can point to one a year ago off the top of my head that was literally nuts. I remember lying in bed one night and being overwhelmed by the feeling something bad was going to happen. Not just bad, but terrible and messy and murdery. I knew the doors were locked and that day had been no different than any other day. But I had to wrap the blankets completely around myself, head and all, and walk myself through a mental list of reasons to calm down while telling myself it wasn't real, that all I had to do was breathe and fall asleep and it would go away.
~Strong sensory issues; sounds, sights, smells, touch, and prone to overload. *YES*
No one noticed this when I was a kid, and I have NO clue how or why they never did, but my ears are totally screwed up. It's not so much a volume issue as it is a phonics issue. When we corrected multiple choice tests in class I had to look up every time the teacher called out A,B,C, or D, because the last three sound exactly the same to me when spoken. I do have tinitus and the squeal drowns out a lot of minor sound. I finally tried hearing-aids when I was 25 and had to fight the urge to claw them out of my ears. I'd never experienced forks tinking on plates, glass clinking against another glass, paper rustling, etc.. It was way too much and I definitely hit overload in two weeks (That's how long the doc said it would take me to get used to them so I gave them 14 days). I threw a couple thousand dollars worth of ear gear in a donation bin and have never thought about getting another pair. I'm a kick-butt lip reader and that's enough. Moving on, I definitely have eagle eyes to the extreme, and I notice 1000 things about each glance. I can't sit with my back to the door in a restaurant because I have to know what's going on around me. Flickering lights, especially a bad fluorescent tube, are impossible for me to ignore and even more impossible for me to concentrate around. As far as touch goes, yes, I hate to be touched by most people. I've been okay dating, and I certainly hug my kids, but I remember when my mom finally hugged me in my early twenties. I went stiff as a board...lol. Yes, a light touch makes my skin crawl just like a limp handshake does. Tastes of foods don't give me a problem anymore, so much as texture still does. Wet bread (even from things like gravy)? *That's the worst one!* I don't have any issues related to smell.
~Moody and prone to bouts of depression. May have been diagnosed as bi-polar or manic depressive. *Oh My G*D YES*
If I let loose, I could rant on this for 200 paragraphs. I always knew I wasn't functioning right, even from a very early age. I finally hit a wall at about 18 when I was in control of seeking my own help. My list of diagnoses started with ADD and a bottle of Ritalin that only made me hostile when I took it, so I had to stop. I went through the whole shebang over the years and all the accompanying pills. ODD, OCD, Anxiety, Depression, Bi-Polar (twice). The funny part is, I bought it hook line and sinker because I AM all those things, but not in the sense that they exist independently. That's why the pills never did a single thing to ease my troubles. The symptoms I have relate directly to my brain function and not a chemical/emotional imbalance. If I took a pill for each of those things, I'd spend the rest of my life drooling on myself. I'm very thankful that I found out the WHY of me. I've never been at such peace with who I am as a human being just trying to get through my life--the same as every other person on the planet. No, I didn't need pills, I needed functional tools, that's all. It's different for every person, but this is my course in life and I'm thankful I'm able to reason it out.
~Probably given several different prescriptions to treat symptoms (See Above). Will be very sensitive to medications and anything else she puts in her body so may have adverse reactions. *Yes*
I could rattle off a list telling you just how horrible my experience with prescription meds has been, but I'll spare you for the most part. Some of them turned me manic, some of them crippled me with paranoia, some of them acted like amnesiacs--just a hot mess of unhappiness there. I have found that something like Prozac will pull me out of a bad funk if I get too dysfunctional, but I only need to take it for a month or two and then stop. Those deep depressions are widely cyclical and usually only happen in summer (when my darling, amazing, beautiful children are home 24/7 and I get no time to recharge). I probably take something like Klonopin two or three times a year when my brain really needs a rest day. I'm pretty anti-pills in general. Other than that, my drug regimen consists of NyQuil for colds, ibuprofen for pain, and a fair share of TUMS.
~9 out of 10 have mild to severe gastro-intestinal problems. *Yes*
Like I said, TUMS. Lots and lots of TUMS.
~Stims to soothe when sad or agitated: rocking, face-rubbing, humming, finger-flicking, leg bouncing, finger or foot tapping. *Yes*
Lots of people tap or bob their hands/feet.This is the kind of thing you look at in conjunction with other things on the varying lists of symptoms. As well as being a foot-bobber, I'm a rocker. I do it when I lay in bed at night, when I'm home alone and sitting on the sofa, even in the waiting room of the doctor's office if I'm the only one there. I don't do it when I'm angry because the only thing that makes me angry is PEOPLE and I'm highly adapted, so drawing attention to myself is a no-no. I do it when nothing else is happening, when there's little to no input coming from outside sources (radio, TV, etc.) and I'm alone thinking. It also helps me fall asleep because my mind races for a long time when I crawl in bed.
~Similarly physical when happy: hand-flapping, clapping, singing, dancing, jumping, running around, bouncing. *No*
Highly adapted girl over here! Again, I won't do anything to draw awkward attention to myself. I can't remember how I reacted as a kid, so I have zero input on this one.
~Prone to temper or crying meltdowns, even in public, sometimes over seemingly small things due to sensory or emotional overload. *Yes*
I'm a terrible patient. I'm smart and have read (It seems like) billions of words I remember over the course of my lifetime. My life's mission is to "know stuff". When I go into a doctor's office or a shrink's office, I know why I'm there and what I need. If I don't, I ask questions, listen, that's fine and dandy. But talking to me like I'm three and have no clue what I need (when I do) drives me to shakes and tears I get so angry. It's not only arrogant to blow off a patient and their instincts, but it's idiotic. Listening skills, people! Other times, other places...I have gotten mad enough at my kids on occasion that I start to hyper-ventilate, but I just go in my room and let it pass. My ex-husband caught that one last year and thought I'd gone bonkers. The only time I cry is when I'm angry. Barring the day my dad died and I sobbed like a baby, I don't remember ever crying because I was sad as an adult.
~Hates injustice and hates to be misunderstood. *Yes*
Where do I even begin? *Sigh* The primary thorn in my life other than introversion, is communication. I am often misunderstood. I'm not sure how it happens because it all sounds right in my head before it comes out, but apparently I live in a world where emotions and opinions entirely trump logic. I'm pretty sure my foot lives in my mouth--and it's not like I ever go into a conversation with the intent to be rude. The key here is~ The people who like me? They like me just the way I am, and the ones who can't handle it go away. I refuse to spend the rest of my life apologizing for who I am. On the side of justice, nothing makes me more angry than an adult bully or a person with bad manners. Seeing someone pick on a weaker person brings out the WWF in me. Likewise, seeing someone light up a cigarette while people are eating, or something equally as rude, gets my hackles a'risin'. It is what it is. When it comes to online interactions, a serious amount of time and energy go into formulating responses to avoid saying rude things, and that's something no one would have any idea about because I don't often present myself as autistic. It can be very tiring.
~Prone to mutism when stressed or upset, esp. after a meltdown. *Yes*
All you folks who know me? Raise your hand if I've ever hung up on you, not spoken to you for two weeks, or abruptly got up and left a conversation? Glad to see the gang is all here...
*More on this tomorrow*
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
November 9th, 2010
*Female Asperger Syndrome Traits*
Intellectual/Giftedness/Education/Vocation
~May have been diagnosed as autistic or aspergers when young, or thought of as gifted, shy, sensitive, etc. May also have had obvious or severe learning deficits. *Yes*
School has always been a sensitive subject for me because I was never diagnosed as anything when I was a child, and I suffered a lot for it, especially from grade 1 to grade 6. I did wind up in special education classes (full day) but I was not learning disabled. In hindsight, the reason for putting me there is that I was disruptive to other kids and my teachers. I never did homework, I never did classwork. Every fraction of movement or sliver of sound caught the corner of my eyes or ears. If it was a windy day and there were no blinds, I couldn't keep my eyes off the trees outside and the movement of the leaves. Some things are funny, thinking of them now--I got straight F's on my report cards but they always passed me because I aced the end of the year tests. The only noticeable problem I had learning was in English. For the life of me I could never diagram a sentence. I still can't--and I live for words. As far as sensitivity goes, yes, I'm incredibly sensitive, but I've learned to adapt to a world that was very hard for me to navigate and few people see that side of me.
~Often Musical, artistic. *yes*
I will say I love music, though I never gave much time to learning an instrument. It's not that I can't, because I played a few in grade school and I learn quickly, but I don't have the notion to do it everyday. I do have, and have always had, areas of special interest, but I don't think that's so unusual in itself. I know many perfectly normal people who love the arts! The part that might stand out is this--I've never been terribly creative on my own with visual arts unless the subject is abstract. When it comes to drawing people (my personal fave) I can't create a face from my mind, even if there's a person sitting right in front of me. It's more likely the picture would come out a cross between a potato and a stick person. What I can do is copy drawings with a precision that's almost unholy. If there is a drawing I can look at, I can reproduce it almost perfectly, piece of cake.
~May have a savant skill or special talents. *Yes*
My memory is as close as you can get to photographic without actually being so. I remember outfits people wore when I met them twenty years ago; The phone number we had when I was in Kindergarten; Things people have said to me over the years, word for word (not always a good thing). Beyond that, I'm mechanically inclined, and that's an understatement. I've had some very interesting and important jobs over the years. I think my greatest achievement (as a young high school drop-out) was solving a packaging problem in a week that 8 engineers had been working on for six months. There's a lot I could have done with my life, but I never knew why I couldn't stick with it, why I got overwhelmed in job settings, why I would get so anxious as the months ticked by, why I eventually quit. The most important thing about learning I had Aspergers last year has to be the freedom it gave me. No more guilt, no more shame--I will eventually learn the tools I need to get me through those moments so I don't repeat them.
~May have a strong interest in computers, games, graphic design, inventing, things of a technological and visual nature. More verbal thinkers may gravitate toward writing, languages, cultural studies, and psychology. *Yes*
Yes to computers, hecks NO to games, yes to design, inventing, technology, visuals. Languages have always fascinated me, along with other cultures (specifically Eastern religions, although I'm Agnostic), as well as philosophy and psychology. In college, I tried to learn Russian. I have audio processing problems and even with an FM receiver I struggled like crazy with inflection and eventually stopped trying. Writing is my new mental home. It's been a lot of hard work to learn the rules of grammar and punctuation, since English was one of my weaknesses, but I think it's why I'm so obsessed with it. I've always gravitated towards the things that do not come easy to me in an attempt to understand them--hence my deep interests in psychology and human interactions (I've always been an avid people watcher).
~May have been a self taught reader, been hyperlexic as a child, and will posses a wide variety of other self taught skills as well. *Yes*
I knew how to read for the most part going into Kindergarten and I have Sesame Street to thank for it. I loved the Siamese monster who split the word apart and would say them again and again until the word came together. I understood those words and was able to "read" them immediately as I learned them. Thanks to that and my Kinder experience, I was reading on college level by fifth grade (the same year I was put in special ed. with kids who threw chairs).
~May be highly educated but will have struggled with the social aspects of college. May have one or more partial degrees. *Yes*
This is probably the biggest factor for me in not finding out about my Aspie nature before I was 36. I tried to go to college four times and never made it past the first or early second semester. I do well with internet classes or self-paced classes (where you get videos from the college library and take chapter tests in the lab). The social aspects were overwhelming when combined with my introverted nature. At some point a couple months into a semester the break down would be going strong, and if I managed to finish, I couldn't face another semester even though I tried. I still have plans to get a degree at some point, because I think with the knowledge I have now, I'll be able to finally make college work in my favor instead of against my nature. Although, I must say I've done very well self-educating.
~Can be very passionate about a course of study or job, then change direction or go very cold on it almost immediately. *Yes*
Holy smokes. This girl went to college for math, then art, then engineering, then criminal justice. And I also cut hair. Enough said? I used to crack jokes that the only school I hadn't been to was the school of the blind, and it's only because I can see.
~Will often have trouble holding onto a job and will find employment daunting. *Yes*
Much like college, the social aspects of the daily grind were overwhelming for me. After a few weeks/months, having gotten to know the people around me and the shiny newness wore off, I became irritated with the way I had to deal with people. I'm very rigid about right and wrong (in behavior and literal functions), and even if that's an illusion for my part, I tend to get too angry when having to work in a group environment or having to compromise on what I know will work. The steady frustration leads to a complete breakdown. I've never worked for the same company for more than 12 months. Am I proud of that? NO! But now I can look back and see where things degraded and learn from it.
~Highly intelligent but can sometimes be slow to comprehend due to sensory and cognitive processing issues. *Yes*
It's not uncommon for me to misinterpret things that I read, or things people say in conversation. It's not that I'm incapable of understanding, it's that I have to straighten out the idea to get there. Sometimes I need to read or hear a thing repeatedly to be able to do that. This one seems very hard to explain--because it might be common for people to misunderstand things, but it's different when it's a problem with processing and not merely understanding.
~Will not do well with verbal instructions, needs to write down or draw a diagram. *Yes*
I can't tell you how many times I've stopped people from telling me how to get somewhere simple to draw a picture of the roads then put a little star where the building should be...lol. Similarly, you could tell me and show me photos/diagrams on how to fix a carburetor all year, but until I get my hands on it and do it myself, I won't understand and none of it will stick in my brain. Once I've actually done it, I'll never forget how and probably won't ever look at the instructions.
~Will have obsessions, but they are not as unusual as her male counterparts (Less likely to be a "trainspotter") *Yes*
I could go on and on about this and the way my obsessions evolve. For the last few years it's been fiction writing, and it got to the point where I had to get my own style of garage MFA--and I also think I've learned more in the last year than a lot of people do simply because I'm at it daily, hourly, non-stop. I've gone through numerous online courses about literature and the mechanics of writing. I've scoured the internet and read millions of words on the subject from teachers and writers alike. When I'm not writing, I'm thinking about writing. I even dream about it. While some people may see my obsessive quest for knowledge daunting, it's the only way I know how to operate. That in and of itself is not necessarily an Aspie trait. There are many writers I know who operate that way and finding balance isn't the easiest thing for them, either. I think the thing that sets me apart is that there's always been one subject of very narrow interest in my life to the exclusion of other things. There was the year I spent obsessed with wine and cheese and opera. The year I spent reading religious literature. The year I spent working on old cars. I tend to hyper focus until I have a satisfying grasp on what it is I'm studying and then something else will catch my eye. I have to say, I'm super glad writing has stuck with me and turned into something I can see myself doing long term. It took me forever to find it and I'm not giving it up.
*More on this tomorrow*
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