November 6th, 2010

~From Lori Berkowitz, board member of Autism Women's Network;

"I was a smart but strange kid. I didn't understand things, especially people. I didn't fit in. I thought school was dumb. I thought a lot of things were dumb. Turns out a lot of them are, but many were not as black and white as I thought at the time. It wasn't until I was an adult that I began seeing shades of grey.

During my early years of school, I barely talked at all and spent a bunch of time in the principal's office. My teachers and school psychologists thought I could be normal if I tried harder. If I would just be like the other kids, they would like me and wouldn't be so mean to me. I just wasn't ‘applying myself'.

It wasn't until 5 years ago that I finally learned what is ‘wrong' with me. I have Asperger's Syndrome. Autism. I sometimes wonder what would life have been like if we knew that when I was 3 instead of when I was 38? It is hard not to think of all the ‘if's."

~Thanks, Lori, you're singing my song.

November 5th, 2010

~The first time I considered killing myself I was eleven years old. Grade school was an absolute nightmare for me. I can’t convey exactly how bad it was, day after day, year after year—the bullying, the shifting from room to room as this teacher and that couldn’t deal with me. My emptied desk sat alone in a corner of the room as the rest of the kids stole glances at me. I’ll never forget the rocks thrown at my face, or the way the other kids jumped up and ran away whenever I sat on the merry-go-round, or being pushed down into mud puddles. The woman from church who always demanded I look her in the eye when we spoke...I hated it, and I hated her. I wasn't aware there was any other way for me to "be" no matter how badly I wanted to fit in.

So, since I’m being an open book and we’re all casual here, I’d like to bring up my opinion about the bullying of gay kids/teens (and, what the hell, gay marriage while I'm at it).

The reason I identify so well with--and feel so strongly about--gay marriage rights and the horrendous bullying that has led to gay kids committing suicide, is because I've the same experience for all intents and purposes. I’ve been put in a box and labeled all my life. I’ve been pointed at and ridiculed and kicked and feared, and made to believe I was less than and didn't deserve the same rights as other "normal" people.

Thankfully, I lived long enough to realize it gets better, and I have found people who understand me and accept me just the way I am.

There is no blame to assign--I couldn't help the way I was born any more than a lesbian can, or a gay man, or a cross-dresser, or someone who feels they need a sex change. The fact that there are people who honestly think sexuality is about “choice” and not attraction burns my ass from here to Pluto. People talk freely about taste in books and taste in movies, but when it comes to genitalia, boy do they ever get flummoxed! Homosexuality and Autism may not be relative in terms of why they occur, but they're equally as hard to navigate for a child and there is no "undoing it". It's ridiculous that in this day and age we haven't evolved more than finger pointing and name calling, and telling other people who can and can't go to the party.

What I would give to die an old woman and know my world had transformed into a place where a person could be born and thrive just as they are, with no rocks being thrown and no fear of what is misunderstood.