November 10th, 2010

*Female Asperger Syndrome Traits*

Emotional/Physical

~Emotionally immature and emotionally sensitive. *Yes*

This is a hard one to write about. I've driven myself in circles for years trying to rationalize and justify my reactions to things and people because I never knew my reactions were normal for me. There were tremendous levels of guilt and self-loathing over my nature, and I have to say, hating yourself is no way to live. When I'm high stress (usually from too much social exposure) I tend to react irrationally when I get upset, even about minor things. I got fired from a job years ago for screaming "F*CK YOU!" at one of my bosses. Would I take that back? Sure. It's not exactly professional behavior. But in that moment, I was a champagne bottle someone shook up in a paint can machine at a hardware store. I'm just as likely to pop off a couple times a day, albeit in small doses. I'm raising kids, and while I love them to pieces and I'm a lot of fun, they do push the edges in on me. It's not uncommon for constructive criticism to make me give up on a thing for a time (sometimes a long time), before I understand the comments for what they are.

~Anxiety and fear are predominant emotions. *Yes*

Anxiety and fear are something I've learned to live with and most people don't even know it's there, but it churns just under my skin like a black ocean before a storm. I've had moments of fear that were nearly crippling. I can point to one a year ago off the top of my head that was literally nuts. I remember lying in bed one night and being overwhelmed by the feeling something bad was going to happen. Not just bad, but terrible and messy and murdery. I knew the doors were locked and that day had been no different than any other day. But I had to wrap the blankets completely around myself, head and all, and walk myself through a mental list of reasons to calm down while telling myself it wasn't real, that all I had to do was breathe and fall asleep and it would go away.

~Strong sensory issues; sounds, sights, smells, touch, and prone to overload. *YES*

No one noticed this when I was a kid, and I have NO clue how or why they never did, but my ears are totally screwed up. It's not so much a volume issue as it is a phonics issue. When we corrected multiple choice tests in class I had to look up every time the teacher called out A,B,C, or D, because the last three sound exactly the same to me when spoken. I do have tinitus and the squeal drowns out a lot of minor sound. I finally tried hearing-aids when I was 25 and had to fight the urge to claw them out of my ears. I'd never experienced forks tinking on plates, glass clinking against another glass, paper rustling, etc.. It was way too much and I definitely hit overload in two weeks (That's how long the doc said it would take me to get used to them so I gave them 14 days). I threw a couple thousand dollars worth of ear gear in a donation bin and have never thought about getting another pair. I'm a kick-butt lip reader and that's enough. Moving on, I definitely have eagle eyes to the extreme, and I notice 1000 things about each glance. I can't sit with my back to the door in a restaurant because I have to know what's going on around me. Flickering lights, especially a bad fluorescent tube, are impossible for me to ignore and even more impossible for me to concentrate around. As far as touch goes, yes, I hate to be touched by most people. I've been okay dating, and I certainly hug my kids, but I remember when my mom finally hugged me in my early twenties. I went stiff as a board...lol. Yes, a light touch makes my skin crawl just like a limp handshake does. Tastes of foods don't give me a problem anymore, so much as texture still does. Wet bread (even from things like gravy)? *That's the worst one!* I don't have any issues related to smell.

~Moody and prone to bouts of depression. May have been diagnosed as bi-polar or manic depressive. *Oh My G*D YES*

If I let loose, I could rant on this for 200 paragraphs. I always knew I wasn't functioning right, even from a very early age. I finally hit a wall at about 18 when I was in control of seeking my own help. My list of diagnoses started with ADD and a bottle of Ritalin that only made me hostile when I took it, so I had to stop. I went through the whole shebang over the years and all the accompanying pills. ODD, OCD, Anxiety, Depression, Bi-Polar (twice). The funny part is, I bought it hook line and sinker because I AM all those things, but not in the sense that they exist independently. That's why the pills never did a single thing to ease my troubles. The symptoms I have relate directly to my brain function and not a chemical/emotional imbalance. If I took a pill for each of those things, I'd spend the rest of my life drooling on myself. I'm very thankful that I found out the WHY of me. I've never been at such peace with who I am as a human being just trying to get through my life--the same as every other person on the planet. No, I didn't need pills, I needed functional tools, that's all. It's different for every person, but this is my course in life and I'm thankful I'm able to reason it out.

~Probably given several different prescriptions to treat symptoms (See Above). Will be very sensitive to medications and anything else she puts in her body so may have adverse reactions. *Yes*

I could rattle off a list telling you just how horrible my experience with prescription meds has been, but I'll spare you for the most part. Some of them turned me manic, some of them crippled me with paranoia, some of them acted like amnesiacs--just a hot mess of unhappiness there. I have found that something like Prozac will pull me out of a bad funk if I get too dysfunctional, but I only need to take it for a month or two and then stop. Those deep depressions are widely cyclical and usually only happen in summer (when my darling, amazing, beautiful children are home 24/7 and I get no time to recharge). I probably take something like Klonopin two or three times a year when my brain really needs a rest day. I'm pretty anti-pills in general. Other than that, my drug regimen consists of NyQuil for colds, ibuprofen for pain, and a fair share of TUMS.

~9 out of 10 have mild to severe gastro-intestinal problems. *Yes*

Like I said, TUMS. Lots and lots of TUMS.

~Stims to soothe when sad or agitated: rocking, face-rubbing, humming, finger-flicking, leg bouncing, finger or foot tapping. *Yes*

Lots of people tap or bob their hands/feet.This is the kind of thing you look at in conjunction with other things on the varying lists of symptoms. As well as being a foot-bobber, I'm a rocker. I do it when I lay in bed at night, when I'm home alone and sitting on the sofa, even in the waiting room of the doctor's office if I'm the only one there. I don't do it when I'm angry because the only thing that makes me angry is PEOPLE and I'm highly adapted, so drawing attention to myself is a no-no. I do it when nothing else is happening, when there's little to no input coming from outside sources (radio, TV, etc.) and I'm alone thinking. It also helps me fall asleep because my mind races for a long time when I crawl in bed.

~Similarly physical when happy: hand-flapping, clapping, singing, dancing, jumping, running around, bouncing. *No*

Highly adapted girl over here! Again, I won't do anything to draw awkward attention to myself. I can't remember how I reacted as a kid, so I have zero input on this one.

~Prone to temper or crying meltdowns, even in public, sometimes over seemingly small things due to sensory or emotional overload. *Yes*

I'm a terrible patient. I'm smart and have read (It seems like) billions of words I remember over the course of my lifetime. My life's mission is to "know stuff". When I go into a doctor's office or a shrink's office, I know why I'm there and what I need. If I don't, I ask questions, listen, that's fine and dandy. But talking to me like I'm three and have no clue what I need (when I do) drives me to shakes and tears I get so angry. It's not only arrogant to blow off a patient and their instincts, but it's idiotic. Listening skills, people! Other times, other places...I have gotten mad enough at my kids on occasion that I start to hyper-ventilate, but I just go in my room and let it pass. My ex-husband caught that one last year and thought I'd gone bonkers. The only time I cry is when I'm angry. Barring the day my dad died and I sobbed like a baby, I don't remember ever crying because I was sad as an adult.

~Hates injustice and hates to be misunderstood. *Yes*

Where do I even begin? *Sigh* The primary thorn in my life other than introversion, is communication. I am often misunderstood. I'm not sure how it happens because it all sounds right in my head before it comes out, but apparently I live in a world where emotions and opinions entirely trump logic. I'm pretty sure my foot lives in my mouth--and it's not like I ever go into a conversation with the intent to be rude. The key here is~ The people who like me? They like me just the way I am, and the ones who can't handle it go away. I refuse to spend the rest of my life apologizing for who I am. On the side of justice, nothing makes me more angry than an adult bully or a person with bad manners. Seeing someone pick on a weaker person brings out the WWF in me. Likewise, seeing someone light up a cigarette while people are eating, or something equally as rude, gets my hackles a'risin'. It is what it is. When it comes to online interactions, a serious amount of time and energy go into formulating responses to avoid saying rude things, and that's something no one would have any idea about because I don't often present myself as autistic. It can be very tiring.

~Prone to mutism when stressed or upset, esp. after a meltdown. *Yes*

All you folks who know me? Raise your hand if I've ever hung up on you, not spoken to you for two weeks, or abruptly got up and left a conversation? Glad to see the gang is all here...

*More on this tomorrow*