November 9th, 2010

*Female Asperger Syndrome Traits*

 Intellectual/Giftedness/Education/Vocation

~May have been diagnosed as autistic or aspergers when young, or thought of as gifted, shy, sensitive, etc. May also have had obvious or severe learning deficits. *Yes*

School has always been a sensitive subject for me because I was never diagnosed as anything when I was a child, and I suffered a lot for it, especially from grade 1 to grade 6. I did wind up in special education classes (full day) but I was not learning disabled. In hindsight, the reason for putting me there is that I was disruptive to other kids and my teachers. I never did homework, I never did classwork. Every fraction of movement or sliver of sound caught the corner of my eyes or ears. If it was a windy day and there were no blinds, I couldn't keep my eyes off the trees outside and the movement of the leaves. Some things are funny, thinking of them now--I got straight F's on my report cards but they always passed me because I aced the end of the year tests. The only noticeable problem I had learning was in English. For the life of me I could never diagram a sentence. I still can't--and I live for words. As far as sensitivity goes, yes, I'm incredibly sensitive, but I've learned to adapt to a world that was very hard for me to navigate and few people see that side of me.

~Often Musical, artistic. *yes*

I will say I love music, though I never gave much time to learning an instrument. It's not that I can't, because I played a few in grade school and I learn quickly, but I don't have the notion to do it everyday. I do have, and have always had, areas of special interest, but I don't think that's so unusual in itself. I know many perfectly normal people who love the arts! The part that might stand out is this--I've never been terribly creative on my own with visual arts unless the subject is abstract. When it comes to drawing people (my personal fave) I can't create a face from my mind, even if there's a person sitting right in front of me. It's more likely the picture would come out a cross between a potato and a stick person. What I can do is copy drawings with a precision that's almost unholy. If there is a drawing I can look at, I can reproduce it almost perfectly, piece of cake.

~May have a savant skill or special talents. *Yes*

My memory is as close as you can get to photographic without actually being so. I remember outfits people wore when I met them twenty years ago; The phone number we had when I was in Kindergarten; Things people have said to me over the years, word for word (not always a good thing). Beyond that, I'm mechanically inclined, and that's an understatement. I've had some very interesting and important jobs over the years. I think my greatest achievement (as a young high school drop-out) was solving a packaging problem in a week that 8 engineers had been working on for six months. There's a lot I could have done with my life, but I never knew why I couldn't stick with it, why I got overwhelmed in job settings, why I would get so anxious as the months ticked by, why I eventually quit. The most important thing about learning I had Aspergers last year has to be the freedom it gave me. No more guilt, no more shame--I will eventually learn the tools I need to get me through those moments so I don't repeat them.

~May have a strong interest in computers, games, graphic design, inventing, things of a technological and visual nature. More verbal thinkers may gravitate toward writing, languages, cultural studies, and psychology. *Yes*

Yes to computers, hecks NO to games, yes to design, inventing, technology, visuals. Languages have always fascinated me, along with other cultures (specifically Eastern religions, although I'm Agnostic), as well as philosophy and psychology. In college, I tried to learn Russian. I have audio processing problems and even with an FM receiver I struggled like crazy with inflection and eventually stopped trying. Writing is my new mental home. It's been a lot of hard work to learn the rules of grammar and punctuation, since English was one of my weaknesses, but I think it's why I'm so obsessed with it. I've always gravitated towards the things that do not come easy to me in an attempt to understand them--hence my deep interests in psychology and human interactions (I've always been an avid people watcher).

~May have been a self taught reader, been hyperlexic as a child, and will posses a wide variety of other self taught skills as well. *Yes*

I knew how to read for the most part going into Kindergarten and I have Sesame Street to thank for it. I loved the Siamese monster who split the word apart and would say them again and again until the word came together. I understood those words and was able to "read" them immediately as I learned them. Thanks to that and my Kinder experience, I was reading on college level by fifth grade (the same year I was put in special ed. with kids who threw chairs).

~May be highly educated but will have struggled with the social aspects of college. May have one or more partial degrees. *Yes*

This is probably the biggest factor for me in not finding out about my Aspie nature before I was 36. I tried to go to college four times and never made it past the first or early second semester. I do well with internet classes or self-paced classes (where you get videos from the college library and take chapter tests in the lab). The social aspects were overwhelming when combined with my introverted nature. At some point a couple months into a semester the break down would be going strong, and if I managed to finish, I couldn't face another semester even though I tried. I still have plans to get a degree at some point, because I think with the knowledge I have now, I'll be able to finally make college work in my favor instead of against my nature. Although, I must say I've done very well self-educating.

~Can be very passionate about a course of study or job, then change direction or go very cold on it almost immediately. *Yes*

Holy smokes. This girl went to college for math, then art, then engineering, then criminal justice. And I also cut hair. Enough said? I used to crack jokes that the only school I hadn't been to was the school of the blind, and it's only because I can see.

~Will often have trouble holding onto a job and will find employment daunting. *Yes*

Much like college, the social aspects of the daily grind were overwhelming for me. After a few weeks/months, having gotten to know the people around me and the shiny newness wore off, I became irritated with the way I had to deal with people. I'm very rigid about right and wrong (in behavior and literal functions), and even if that's an illusion for my part, I tend to get too angry when having to work in a group environment or having to compromise on what I know will work. The steady frustration leads to a complete breakdown. I've never worked for the same company for more than 12 months. Am I proud of that? NO! But now I can look back and see where things degraded and learn from it.

~Highly intelligent but can sometimes be slow to comprehend due to sensory and cognitive processing issues. *Yes*

It's not uncommon for me to misinterpret things that I read, or things people say in conversation. It's not that I'm incapable of understanding, it's that I have to straighten out the idea to get there. Sometimes I need to read or hear a thing repeatedly to be able to do that. This one seems very hard to explain--because it might be common for people to misunderstand things, but it's different when it's a problem with processing and not merely understanding.

~Will not do well with verbal instructions, needs to write down or draw a diagram. *Yes*

I can't tell you how many times I've stopped people from telling me how to get somewhere simple to draw a picture of the roads then put a little star where the building should be...lol. Similarly, you could tell me and show me photos/diagrams on how to fix a carburetor all year, but until I get my hands on it and do it myself, I won't understand and none of it will stick in my brain. Once I've actually done it, I'll never forget how and probably won't ever look at the instructions.

~Will have obsessions, but they are not as unusual as her male counterparts (Less likely to be a "trainspotter") *Yes*

I could go on and on about this and the way my obsessions evolve. For the last few years it's been fiction writing, and it got to the point where I had to get my own style of garage MFA--and I also think I've learned more in the last year than a lot of people do simply because I'm at it daily, hourly, non-stop. I've gone through numerous online courses about literature and the mechanics of writing. I've scoured the internet and read millions of words on the subject from teachers and writers alike. When I'm not writing, I'm thinking about writing. I even dream about it. While some people may see my obsessive quest for knowledge daunting, it's the only way I know how to operate. That in and of itself is not necessarily an Aspie trait. There are many writers I know who operate that way and finding balance isn't the easiest thing for them, either. I think the thing that sets me apart is that there's always been one subject of very narrow interest in my life to the exclusion of other things. There was the year I spent obsessed with wine and cheese and opera. The year I spent reading religious literature. The year I spent working on old cars. I tend to hyper focus until I have a satisfying grasp on what it is I'm studying and then something else will catch my eye. I have to say, I'm super glad writing has stuck with me and turned into something I can see myself doing long term. It took me forever to find it and I'm not giving it up.

*More on this tomorrow*