November 11th, 2010

*Female Asperger Syndrome Traits*

Social/Relationships

~Words and actions are sometimes misunderstood by other people. *Yes*

I've run into this a lot over the years. The only way I can explain why my actions and reactions appear inconsistent is this~ Whenever I look at a situation, there are building blocks there which create a whole. Two situations can appear to be entirely similar to someone else, but probably won't look that way to me. It would be like changing one word in a long paragraph, and to most people it's going to be insignificant, but the word stands out to someone like me and changes the scope of all the words. That, in turn, also changes the way I react to things and explains why I can ignore one situation and get totally riled up about the other. Just as likely, when I try to deconstruct an idea and explain it, I'll pass along the wrong building block of information or a thought out of order because I'm so busy trying to release them in a particular order. I'm thinking while I'm talking, I'm thinking while you're talking, and it takes time sort through all the info and put it in it's proper place.

~Perceived to be cold-natured or self-centered; unfriendly. *Yes*

I've had pals of mine reprimand me for the way I've treated their other friends I didn't know. I'm nowhere near openly trustful of anyone I meet and typically analyze them rather than interact with them. For people I've gotten to know, I'm a regular love-monkey and obscenely loyal, even to the exclusion of right and wrong. My friends are incredibly hard won and I'm willing to go ten rounds in a ring on their behalf. I rarely have more than one real-life pal I regularly do things with, but I have probably twenty people I know very well online because this type of interaction fits my limits for exposure to sensory input. I'm more thankful for the internet than most things.

~Is very outspoken sometimes. May get fired up while talking about passions/obsessive interests. *Yes*

I'm also very thankful for my writer friends who can talk for an hour just about commas. That's a lifesaver. But I don't want anyone to think finding an outlet makes other aspects of this particular problem easier. The last thing my grandmother said to me before she died was, "You talk to loud." Yeah, that one sucked. I'm not sure people realize the sting of wanting to be like everyone else but constantly screwing it up.

~Can be very shy or mute. *Sort of*

I don't think I'm shy at all. In fact, I have no problem being center stage and have done my fair share of getting the party started. This ties in to my chameleon nature very well. I'm not sure I can define why this happens from one situation to the next, but there are times I'm very comfortable and outgoing and times I'm incredibly reserved and uncomfortable and can't think of a single thing to say. It's not that in one case I'm with friends, and in the other I'm with strangers. There is absolutely zero consistency there. For whatever reason, half the time I'm in any situation my brain shuts down entirely, and in the other half you can't shut me up. Who knows?

~Will shut down in social situations, especially when overloaded, but is generally better socializing in small doses. *Yes, Yes, and YES*

I finally did some reading on introversion this year and it was a life-saver. I put up with years of people begging me to go out and giving me the old, "aw, you're no fun," garbage. You know what? I'm tons of fun, but on my own terms. I do very well with a few people I know on my back porch having a few beers. That, to me, is the ultimate Friday evening. When I was in my twenties and went to clubs with friends, I hated it. It was just as likely I'd be hiding in the bathroom when someone went to look for me, as it would be to find me outside having a smoke. I will go out to places like that on occasion, but it's probably once a year if that. I'm not even all that interested in going to restaurants and am perfectly happy using the drive-through. I used to joke that my idea of a perfect date was a six pack from the gas station and some Taco Bell. (It wasn't really a joke)

~Doesn't go out much (See above). Will prefer to go out with partner only or children if she has them. *Yes*

I hardly leave my house. I do go to the library on occasion and to the grocery store once a week, but that's it as far as self interest goes. The real fight is getting out with my kids. It's not that I don't want to do things with my children--it's about doing things "out there". My children need to toss a football in the yard and go to the park and I know it. It's a rough internal battle, but when I'm up to it I do it anyway, because the world doesn't revolve around me and my quirks.

~Will not have many girlfriends and will not do 'girly' things like shopping with them or have get-togethers to hang out. *Pretty much*

I'll have a couple people over to my house a few times a year but absolutely loathe the idea of going to a cook-out or a candle party at someone else's place if there's going to be a crowd. I never go to the mall with other women--I go there alone, get what I want, see some stuff, and go home. I will add that I haven't stepped into a mall in two years.

~Will have a close friend or friends in school, but not once adulthood is reached. *Yes*

The two girls I hung out with during grade school are G*d only knows where. I've moved around the country a lot, because for years, I never understood the misery was entirely inside me and not due to outside factors. Out of sight is out of mind to me, and I typically had one or two sturdy friends in any given town I've lived but I'm not in contact with any of them now.

~May or may not want to have a relationship. *Yes*

This by itself is a ridiculous facet. I think everyone on the planet may or may not want to have a relationship. Notably, for me, is the fact I've never had a successful one so I did stop trying altogether. I have no inclination to date because as nice as the beginnings are, I know how endings go. This is not to say I never get lonely, because I definitely do, I just know the payoff (for me) isn't worth the cost. I'm still forever hopeful that I'll pull myself into check and find a deeper understanding of the way I function so the possibility of having someone can be realized in the future. I fully admit to my share of the breakdown in any given relationship and I think it's because I'm able to look at the data from the outside rather than point my finger.


~If she likes a male, can be extremely, noticeably awkward in her attempts to let him know. May stare when she sees him or call repeatedly because she fixates. She doesn't understand societal gender roles. This will change with maturity. *Yes*

I still have this tendency on occasion, but as said, it has changed with maturity. I'm as close as you can get to "acting normal" in those situations. I actually went overboard to the point I usually feign disinterest for weeks or months because I've analyzed what makes 'em stay and what makes 'em go. *sigh*  It's a real pity when your reactions to other people are calculated rather than genuine. When your reactions don't meld with the rest of society, you do have to moderate them if you want to be included.

~Often prefers the company of animals to humans. *Yes*

This is true without a doubt! I'm a total cat lover and can go for weeks without talking to people if left to my own devices. My friends get mad sometimes because I never call them--and it's true, I don't, they call me.

*This wraps up my four days of symptom talks. I'll post what it all means to me tomorrow*